While I still have a week or so before I’m completely incoherent, I thought I would give you a heads-up on my memorial service. By now you all know that I won’t be around much longer. To save everyone the hassle of a wake and funeral, there will be a simple memorial service in the college chapel. In all honesty, I wouldn’t have even had that, but my sister Dale insisted.
It’s scheduled for the second Wednesday in May. I don’t want this to drag into Memorial Day or to screw up everyone’s weekend plans. In case you’re making dinner plans for that day, don’t worry. The service will be starting at 6:30 and you should be out in an hour. And if you’re already committed to something else during that time, no worries. You do you.
If you’re considering coming in from out of town — don’t. You don’t need to be spending the money. It’s not like there will be a bunch of people standing around telling funny or heartwarming stories about me. If they do, I’m sure they’ll be done in ten minutes. On the other hand, if you want to use the service as an excuse to get together with old pals from the neighborhood, then be my guest. Glad I could help.
If you really feel you need to be there, please don’t feel you have to get up and say something. If you’re getting this I’m sure we had a good relationship, but let’s face it, it’s not like I snatched you out of the jaws of a crocodile. If you feel you must, then say what you will, but please don’t embellish. Everyone will know it’s bullshit. The truth is, I didn’t accomplish much, I was an okay friend, and the day after I die the earth will still be spinning and you’ll continue to put off your colonoscopy.
Oh, and if you’re thinking of coming to see me before I’m dead, please don’t. None of you have been in touch with me for over a year. In fairness, I haven’t reached out to any of you either, so let’s just call it a wash. Besides, I guarantee it won’t make either of us feel better.
This all goes for my family as well. Please don’t get on a plane for this. We’ve pretty much ignored each for the past five years, ever since the last kid got married and I made my obligatory appearance.
The only exception I would make is that if you want to come and help my sister out, I’d appreciate it. She’s the only family I have in the area so she feels obligated to do what she thinks is “the right thing.” I’m too weak to fight with her, so, like…whatever.
So please accept this “get out of jail free” card as my parting gift to you.
You’re off the hook.
Of course, I’m sure none of you will appreciate this as it’s unlikely you will have read it.