Rolling Stone- “Jerry Garcia Man! He’d make the bitchinest President ever! Wait, what do you mean he’s dead?”
Playboy- “Bill Clinton! We’d be able to make a lot of copy if he were back in the saddle!”
Cosmopolitan- “Lauren Boebert! What a hot cover we’d have if she were elected! And the sexy articles we could write.”
Sports Illustrated- “Bring Teddy Roosevelt back from the dead. He’s the only real man in the President’s seat since Andrew Jackson!”
Consumer’s Reports- “Al Gore! He is the most practical guy there is out there and is so Vulcan-like that he could work for us!”
The Conservative- “We still want Gingrich! We’re just stuck with the mouthy guy. Of course, he is better any day than the black guy.”
MAD Magazine- “We’re in for Romney. Harris is too difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking target.”
Better Homes and Gardens- “Obama! Not that we want him back, but his wife has just the touch that our readers like. No Negroes normally live in the neighborhoods we write about.”
TV Guide- “Definitely, unquestionably, firmly Trump. He’s owned by FOX News and they are our biggest advertiser.”
High Times- “What election?”
Field and Stream- “We sell hunting which means selling guns which means the NRA which means the Republicans which means Trump whether we like him or not.”
Philosophy Today- “In the ultimate realm of things and in the true height and breadth of the mammoth universe in which we live does it matter who we endorse?”
Maxim- “Taylor Swift! Who cares if she knows nothing about politics? She’s hot!”
National Geographic- “Kamala for sure! With possessing several different ethnic groups in one skin she fits our prerogatives for cultural variation. In our history if we had only ever done articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen we would have gone out of print long ago.”
US Magazine- “We don’t care who wins. We’ll be able to come up with crap about either one of them.”
Esquire- “Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write about cool people. Do you think either of them would fit that bill?”
Reader’s Digest- “Trump. It would be a lot less work condensing what he has to say.”
The New Yorker- “Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the intellectual for us. Find us a real Kennedy somewhere………”
Ebony- “Now just who do you think? Trump is so white bread and slick he would just slide right off the page if we wrote about him.”
Vogue- “Since our magazine is entirely based on looks it is a difficult decision. Both candidates are acceptable looking and good dressers. Trump would lose points on his helmet like hair.”
Punch (British)- “Can we get George W. back? We always had an endless source of material with him around!”