Donald Trump went to his happy place.
“A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, how come elekshun infeterence only happens when you are running in the elekshun and I say, look, Hannibal Lecter is real. It’s true, he’s really real. I ramble incoherently like a patchwork quilt on a hot tin roof but that’s ok. I have the best patchwork quilts. I’m gonna tell you a true story I haven’t told anyone before. In 1982, in San Fernando Valley, a 10 year boy called Elliott befriended an illegal alien who turned out to be a robot who tried to kill Sarah Connor and all the other Sarah Connors and actually killed all the other Sarah Connors but not the Sarah Connors that mattered. This is why I will pass the Terminate Sarah Connors Act so we can get the Sarah Connors that matters. I have the best acts. Does anyone know who I’m running against in this elekshun? It was Joe Biden. They swapped him for a black woman. it’s true. They swapped him for a black woman and that was a smart thing to do. It was very clever. They know I only relate to white, middle aged, rich men. Leon Musk is my friend. Does anyone know the going rate to get your wife to appear in a picture with you. The price goes up every year. Being married to a beautiful woman is great but so expensive. It’s true. Let me know if anyone writes a book called “How to Gradually Turn Trump’s Teenage Son’s Face Orange Without Him Knowing” and I will buy it. If it happens to have pictures in it, that would be even better. I’m spending a lot of money. It’s true. I’m spending a lot of money on research into cloning. If they clone Trump, only one of us will have to go to prison and it will not be me. It’s true. I have a doctor’s note. They say we’re weird. It’s true, they say we are weird. I recently came back from a chocolate factory. The people who worked there were called Oompa Loompas. If it’s weird to want to look like them, well, maybe I am weird. I love those Oompa Loompas. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what would you do to make childcare more affordable. It’s true. When I become the king, I will change the date on children’s birth certs so they will no longer be children. I will then give these young adults drills and then they can drill, baby drill, drill, baby drill. When I become the king, it’s jobs for all my friends. Leon Musk will be king of all the planets. My good friend, King Putin will be in charge of defence. Tucker Carlson will be in charge of tellycommunications. I know he has some great plans for Fox News. The Jan 6 inmates will be released and be in charge of prisons. You have to vote for me because the alternative is stability and that stuff is boring. Project 2025 is going so well. It’s true. I probably shouldn’t be talking about this but we are already working on Project 2028. I love those Oompa Loompas. Like me, they are the best color. I was talking to Mr. Wonka. He looked a lot like the guy from Dune and the sequel Dune and Duner. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, why do you ramble incoherently like a patchwork quilt on a hot tin roof to such an extent that nobody has a clue what you are talking about and I say, look, it’s all part of the plan. I am working on an app. It’s gonna be the greatest app since MySpace and the other one where I download movies without paying for them. Trump does not like paying for things. It’s true. I’m working on a translation app. It’s not gonna be cheap but it is gonna be good. The app will be able to translate what I say and convert it to understandable language. There is also a free version that translates what JD Vance is talking about but the free version is only available to Mrs. Vance because, let’s face it, she needs it most. I have partnered with my great friend and soon to be, king of all the planets, Leon Musk. Every person who votes for me will get a free Tesla Cybertruck. It’s true. Vote for me twice and get twice Cybertrucks. If anyone says Hannibal Lecter isn’t real, I will impose trade sanctions on them. It’s true. As king, you just have to think it and it becomes true. He definitely is real. He had Clarice over for dinner. I know what’s real. I’m gonna have him over for dinner and feed him anyone who doesn’t agree with Project 2025.”
“I will build the Presidential Lie-brary, and you will pay for it, but I will keep all the money.”
He may as well have said that at the debate.