Donald Trump went to his happy place.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME, THEY SAY, SIR, IS IT TRUE THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE COWS? IT’S ALL BULL. TOTAL BULL. I LOVE COWS. I LOVE SIRLOIN. I LOVE RIBS. I LOVE BRISKET. I LOVE CHUCK. I LOVE WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE BIG MACS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THIS BUT I LOVE COWS. IT’S TRUE. I LOVE SIRLOIN. I LOVE RIBS. I LOVE BRISKET. I LOVE CHUCK. I LOVE WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE BIG MAC AND THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE DEJA MOO MOMENTS WHERE I FELT LIKE I SAID THAT BULL BEFORE. IF ANYONE WANTS A RECORDING OF ME SAYING I LOVE COWS AND LISTING THE PARTS OF THE COW I LOVE, LET ME KNOW AND WE CAN TALK MONEY. TRUMP LOVES MONEY EVEN MORE THAN HE LOVES COWS AND I LOVE COWS A LOT. COWS FOR TRUMP IS A THING BUT THE FAKE NEWS NEVER TALK ABOUT IT. MY FAVORITE COWS ARE THE WHITE, MALE, MIDDLE AGED COWS. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE WORKING CLASS COWS. TRUMP AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR THOSE LOSERS. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE MILLIONAIRE AND BILLIONAIRE COWS. SOME PEOPLE ARE BEST SEEN AND NOT HERD BUT NOT ME. I AM BEST SEEN AND HERD ALL DAY LONG. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE FOX NEWS. I AM NOW THE DANCING KING. SOME ARE CALLING ME SIR LION KING. IT’S TRUE. I HAVE MOOVES LIKE JAGGER. I LOVE COWS. I LOVE SIRLOIN. I LOVE RIBS. I LOVE BRISKET. I LOVE CHUCK. I LOVE WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE BIG MACS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. EVERYONE NEEDS TO VOTE FOR TRUMP OR I WILL CAUSE UDDER CHAOS. THE STEAKS ARE TOO HIGH. I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER SAID BEFORE. I LOVE COWS. I LOVE SIRLOIN. I LOVE RIBS. I LOVE BRISKET. I LOVE CHUCK. I LOVE WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE BIG MACS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I WENT TO MCDONALD’S TO GET MY PICTURE TAKEN AND THEY HAD TO BEEF UP SECURITY. A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME, THEY SAY, SIR, IS IT TRUE THAT MILK SHAKES COME FROM NERVOUS COWS? IT’S NOT TRUE. THE MILK SHAKE COMES FROM A COW JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE. THAT STUPID COW WHO IS RUNNING AGAINST ME BETTER GET OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL RUN HER DOWN WITH A BULLDOZER. I LOVE COWS. I LOVE SIRLOIN. I LOVE RIBS. I LOVE BRISKET. I LOVE CHUCK. I LOVE WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE BIG MACS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL DIET COKE. I WANTED TO GO TO MOO ZEALAND BUT THEY DON’T ALLOW FELONS IN. THEY TELL ME TO STAY WAY FROM JOKES BECAUSE I KEEP BUTCHERING THEM. ROY COHN TAUGHT ME ABOUT LEVERAGE AND HOW TO MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH. PEOPLE DON’T LIKE ME IN MOO YORK. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, I love it when you go to a game and the audience chants USA, USA for one of the teams and you think they are chanting for you so you take the applause as if they are clapping for you. Thanks JD, I love that about me too. I have the greatest applause. When I go to a game, the audience is only there because they know I will be turning up so they applaud me and not the teams. Please don’t ask me why audiences chant USA, USA at games when I am not there because I do not have an answer for that but we will take another question. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what do you think about Leon Musk “joking” in a church about killing Kamala Harris? That doesn’t sound like JD, who asked that one? Was it Marjorie? It sounds like something Marjorie would ask. It is Marjorie, isn’t it? Yes, It is Marjorie. Thanks for the great question Marjorie. Look, Leon is white. He is one of the richest white men in the world and he donates so much money to my cult so I love him very much. I love him nearly as much as I love Putin and that’s saying something. Killing your enemy is in my constitution so Leon has an obligation to talk about killing Kamala Harris. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, why did you say you wanted generals like the Nazi’s? That’s not a good question. That wasn’t from JD or Marjorie. Can we pretend this didn’t happen and I’ll just call it fake news or elekshun infeterence or something? What’s that? I am saying these words out loud right now. Am I? I thought I was thinking them inside my great head – I didn’t realize I was talking. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t just stop talking. They will probably blame this on my cognitive decline again. Can we play music for 37 minutes and I will walk up and down on the stage, looking exceptionally brilliant or something? What? I am still talking? I’m not, am I? Am I still talking? Does anyone know how to stop me talking? Is there an off-switch somewhere? Can someone reduce the meds? We need to stop me talking now before I make this even worse. What’s that? I can stop talking by myself? What? How do I do that? I saw a documentary about a guy called Hans Gruber. He was after John McLane who kept saying “yippee-ki-yay, motherlover” and Hans stopped talking when he fell to his death from Nakatomi Plaza. It’s a bit extreme but it might work. Are we anywhere near Nakatomi Plaza? I’m trying to think what my great friend Vladimir Putin would do in this situation. Can someone call Putin and ask his advice? What? I can’t do it because I’m busy right now, trying to figure out how to stop talking. Wait a minute. Can we call for the death penalty for anyone who isn’t me? If everyone is dead and I am the only one alive, most people will not be able to hear me say the crazy words. What’s that? We need people to vote for me? Why is that? What are they voting for and why would they vote for me? What elekshun? Did I not win the last one of those and that’s why I’m now the king? If we need to find votes, just call Brad Raffensperger and tell him we need them but do it on an untraceable phone and make your voice sound like Garth Vader from Start Trek. Am I still talking? I am? There has to be a way to stop me talking. Can someone put me in prison? Have I not done enough for them to throw me in prison? I haven’t been this stressed since I seen the size of Arnold Palmer’s junk. Someone find me a woman I can grab by the – what’s that? You are going to cut the microphone…
To be cont…
There’s just no accownting for this bully.
Hopefully the cownts go against him next week.