Ask the Ontologist

Ontology, as every lisping toddler knows, is the branch of philosophy that deals with the nature of being and reality, and asks fun questions such as “What beings exist, or can be said to exist?”

Thus, an exchange between a youngster who is curious about ontology and his mother might go as follows:

BOBBY: Mom, can I have my imaginary friend “Timmy” over today?

MOTHER: Bobby, I think it’s Timmy’s turn to have you over to his house to play.

BOBBY: Yay!

MOTHER: Be careful crossing the street . . .

Jimmy Stewart, with “Harvey”

 

Even though we learn ontology at our mothers’ knees, many people appear confused or perplexed as they go through their daily lives by the appearance, or non-appearance of others around them. The voices you hear in your head–are they real? Of course they’re real–otherwise you wouldn’t hear them. But the people you hear talking–are they real? Let’s put it this way–they might ask the same question about you!

Seance circle

 

Unfortunately, most HMOs do not cover visits to the ontologist. That’s why I’ve arranged to have Stanley Fishell, Ph. D., Professor of Philosophy at Barton College in Orono, Maine and a specialist in ontology, answer your questions about being and reality. Dr. Fisher–welcome.

ONTOLOGIST: Glad to be here.

HOST: If you’re here.

ONTOLOGIST: Ha-ha. If I had a nickel for every stupid philosophy joke people subjected me to, I wouldn’t be driving a 2007 Volvo.

HOST: Enough about you, let’s talk about talking.

ONTOLOGIST: What about it?

Cool!

 

HOST: With the proliferation of cell phones . . .

ONTOLOGIST: The bane of my existence!

HOST: . . . and “ear buds”–

ONTOLOGIST: Even worse!

HOST: You will often see people walking down the street, talking and gesturing with their hands. What do think about that?

ONTOLOGIST: Not much. Your gestures basically are just stirring up air, which, like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in chaos theory, could start a hurricane that wipes out a remote island village in the Pacific.

HOST: So ix-nay on the and-hay estures-jay?

ONTOLOGIST: What?

HOST: That’s pig Latin.

ONTOLOGIST: Oh. So few of my students know a foreign language these days. I think it’s okay, unless you’re driving. Then the people you could kill somebody.

HOST: How about talking to yourself on the street?

ONTOLOGIST: If you’re really talking to yourself, fine. If you’re talking to somebody who’s not there, not so good.

HOST: Why’s that?

ONTOLOGIST: What’s the point? You might as well be talking to your spouse for all the good it does.

“Did I ever tell you–you’re my heee-ro!”

 

HOST: I see. One last line between reality and fantasy that’s been troubling me–singing.

ONTOLOGIST: Were you the guy singing along to “I Knew You Were Waiting” by George Michael and Aretha Franklin in the cabernet section of Town Line Liquors last night?

Aretha and George Michael

 

HOST: I hadn’t heard that song since the late 80′s. I couldn’t help myself.

ONTOLOGIST: Yes, but you were dancing too.

HOST: That’s self-referential.

ONTOLOGIST: No, it’s not. It’s a form of social display. Robin Collingwood . . .

HOST: The British philosopher?

Robin Collingwood, Robin Roberts: Curiously, never seen in the same room together.

 

ONTOLOGIST: No, Robin Collingwood who pitched for the Phillies in the 60′s.

HOST: I thought that was Robin Roberts . . .

ONTOLOGIST: No she’s an anchor on Good Morning America.  (beat)  Of course it was. I was pulling your leg . . .

HOST: Figuratively.

ONTOLOGIST: Precisely. Anyway, Collingwood said dance was the first form of language.

HOST: Pfft. Collingwood–what did he know?

ONTOLOGIST: He replaced Denny Terrio on “Dance Fever”.

HOST: No he didn’t. Nobody could ever replace Denny Terrio.

ONTOLOGIST: Reminds me of a poem . . .

HOST: Oh God . . .

ONTOLOGIST: By William Hughes Mearns, called “Antigonish.”

HOST: Go ahead.

ONTOLOGIST:

Yesterday, upon the stair
I saw a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish, he’d go away.

HOST: You don’t have a picture of him we can put in this post?

ONTOLOGIST: Oddly enough, when I did an internet for Mearns, I got . . .

HOST: Nothing?

ONTOLOGIST: Strange, isn’t it.

 

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Let’s Get Philosophical.”