VATICAN CITY. Facing a crisis that threatens to bring down his papacy, Pope Francis today urged a renewed commitment to NCAA Division I men’s basketball, a source of pride and comfort to Catholics down through the ages.
“Nothing but net!”
“We started out with eight schools on the Road to the Final Four,” the pontiff told a subdued Holy Week gathering from his balcony in St. Peter’s Square. “St. Francis lost a play-in game. Xavier, Marquette and Mount St. Mary’s–gone in the first round. Let me tell you, my bracket sheet ran red with the blood of the martyrs!”
The overall record of Catholic colleges in the tourney was 6-8, which the Pope said “That’s fine for a Division III religion like Islam, but not for the One True Church of Hoops.”
“How many of you had St. John’s going all the way?”
St. John’s, the highest-ranked Catholic school in the tournament at the number two seed in the West Region, was eliminated in the second round along with perennial overachievers Gonzaga. “Every year, the Zags are the darlings of March Madness,” the Pope said. “This year–they crapped the bed. If you only win one game, there’s no cool name for your round. You’ve got Final Four, Elite Eight, Sweet Sixteen, but no Few Thirty-Two.”
Catholics began playing basketball in underground catacombs during the second century A.D., a period when they were persecuted for their faith and the two-handed set shot, which was banned by Emperor Antonius Pius. “You are holding up the progress of the game,” he said to Togo Palazzi I, whose descendant was a forward/guard for the Boston Celtics. “Mankind will never achieve a ‘slam dunk’ if you don’t progress to the jump shot by the Middle Ages.”
Asked by a lay reporter at a press conference whether there were any other critical issues facing the church, the Pope’s face grew pale and he hesitated before speaking. “In these troubled times,” he noted somberly, “our bingo receipts are waay down.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Here’s to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes.”
As much as I despise basketball, I might tune in if the Cardinal team consisted of actual Cardinals.