Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Tesla’s Musk pay package, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Tesla’s seventh biggest single investor, Norway Wealth Fund, voted against Musk pay package at annual shareholder meeting
You’d think they’d be more into Fjords.
15 signs you may have adult ADHD
How interesting … oh, wait, look … cat video.
Nigerian billionaire plans expansion of Africa’s biggest oil refinery
According to my emails, that’s my Uncle!!!
Trump to raise food benefit payments after calculation ‘error’
Now, Mr. President, recalculate your height and weight …
With Pharaoh-fanfare, Egypt unveils a huge new museum dedicated to its ancient civilization
And the world’s first pyramid scheme …
Kim Kardashian has FAILED the California bar exam
… Not surprising she has no experience with briefs.
Washington sandwich-thrower cleared of assaulting US agent
Although instead of assaulting, he might be guilty of peppering.
That 70s Show’ alum Danny Masterson’s life ‘has turned into a living hell’ while behind bars
… Or as the series will be known, ‘That 70 to Life Show.’
Happy 79th Birthday, Sally Field
We like you. We really like you! We’re just saying it louder so you can hear us.
Almond milk’s out – So which non-dairy alternatives should we be drinking?
Jack Daniels’ is really good when poured over ‘Frosted Flakes.’ Or, so I’ve heard.
Former Veep Dick Cheney has died at 84
Look for his heart on eBay, to be sold as barely used.
L.A Dodger Mookie Betts’ wife Brianna sends one-word message to teammate Freddie Freeman’s wife Chelsea
Word: Neiman’s!
Lauren Boebert dressed up like a Mexican caricature
… If only someone had pointed her out to I.C.E. …
Man reveals surprising changes he noticed after not masturbating for a whole year
Number one: Opening jars became way more difficult.