Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Barbara Streisand, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Barbara Streisand laments selling Gustav Klimt painting 27 years ago, now worth 236 million
Yup, in other words, she was Verklimt.
Coast Guard reverses course on policy to call swastikas and nooses ‘potentially divisive’
Although to stay in shape, they still need to take 10,000 goose steps per day.
Jeff Bezos issued a warning, said you might want to rethink buying a ‘new automobile, refrigerator, or whatever’
… And go all in on new boobies for the wifey.
Karoline Leavitt tells reporter Trump’s ‘Piggy’ insult shows he’s ‘respectful’ by being ‘honest to your faces’
That’s like if Dahmer complained about how a victim tasted after taking a bite.
Happy 83rd birthday, Martin Scorsese
Now sing along: “For he’s a jolly Goodfella, for he’s a jolly Goodfella …”
House vote to release Epstein Files: 427-1
… Closer than it should have been.
Transportation secretary announces 10% reduction in U.S. air traffic
Luggage manufacturers pissed at the loss of income from replacing lost luggage.
Larry Summers is no longer on the Board of OpenAI
… Although he may turn up on ChatCSI.
262 pounds of pot falls from the sky’
… Giving credence to the Big Bong Theory.
Dick Cheney laid to rest in Washington DC funeral
I can’t be only one relieved they didn’t give Dick Cheney a 21-gun salute into anyone’s face.
A Pennsylvania man was charged with trying to steal a rack of ribs by stuffing them down his pants
… Guessing he took too literally term “ribbed for your pleasure.”
No one leaving New York City because of Mamdani, say two top real estate CEOs
NYers are aghast … aghast George Santos might be staying!
The best nonalcoholic red wines for holiday meals
Not surprisingly, all served as a chaser for Xanax.
Department of Education says nursing is no longer a professional degree
… Unless that profession is superhero.
Good as usual!