The Trump Administration has granted ESPN exclusive rights to cover the armed conflict between the United States and Iran. “We anticipate having troops on the ground in that hellhole of a country within the next two weeks, and no one does play-by-play better than ESPN,” the President said on Wednesday. “Their commentators and analysts will be embedded in the field with our brave, courageous soldiers, reporting on every apartment building, corner delicatessen, and wedding ceremony we bazooka into oblivion.
“We reserve the right to renew ESPN’s contract for another five years if the war goes on that long, which it probably will. Though I may be leaving office in January 2029, I fully expect that our next President, Darline Graham, will carry on the campaign. That lady may be as dumb as a tick on a dog’s ass, but she’s our tick!”
James Pitaro, ESPN’s Chairman, told reporters that “we plan to cover the hell out of this war. Billy Ray Cyrus is writing the theme song (‘Tehran Cowboy’) that will introduce every episode of our nightly reporting on the carnage, and Stephen A. Smith and Laura Loomer will serve as co-anchors. Trust me, this will be ‘must-see TV’.”