Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the events in Minneapolis, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Multiple cell phone angles reveal evidence in Minneapolis events
… Andy Warhol was wrong. Everyone will be Zapruder for at least 15 minutes in the future.
Ex-Prince Andrew reportedly ‘horrified’ after seeing his modest new home
Guy oughta just be glad his new home ain’t the big house..
It’s knives out for Kristie Noem
… Which usually only happens when she visits her plastic surgeon.
3 Million more Epstein pages with 2000 images published
It seems every time there’s an Epstein file release Trump drops a bomb to divert attention. Iran, Venezuela, Melania movie …
Homicide fell 19% in Los Angeles last year
… And that’s even with Kanye killing his own career.
A ‘Knight of the Seven Kingdoms’ nude scene featured a ’10-inch prosthetic’
… Look for it to get its own sequel called ‘Game of Bones.’
Symbolic ‘Doomsday Clock’ moves closer to midnight
No word if Trump’s face is now on the Doomsday Clock, not to mention giving the clock little tiny hands.
RIP Catherine O’Hara
Who was ‘Best in Every Show.’
Hall of Fame vote goes against Bill Belichick
… The deflated balls on those guys.
Don Lemon arrested
… Proving everyone wrong who said he couldn’t get himself arrested after leaving CNN.
T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach’s ex-spouses Andrew Shue and Marilee Fiebig are ‘thinking about’ marriage
These people don’t just have lives; they also have sizzle reels for reality shows.
Trump says if it wasn’t for US the Swiss would be speaking German, their most popular language
That’s like saying if it weren’t for the French, the Brits beat the Colonialists and we Americans are all speaking … oh wait, never mind …
How Penn Gillette lost 105 pounds
Uh, he ditched Teller?
Girl, 5, bursts into tears when she learns she’s not Jewish. Now, she’s been lovingly ‘claimed’ by the community
We’re glad to have you, Ming Roan.