Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about biggest Great White Shark in recorded history, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Biggest Great White Shark in recorded history spotted near popular spring break location
Luckily, the shark was announced ahead of time by the official warning system: DA… dum… DA… dum… DA dum DA dum DA dum.
NCAA Sweet Sixteen set
Just to be safe, the NCAA Sweet Sixteen oughta get a restraining order against Matt Gaetz!
Alan Greenspan’s celebrated his 100th birthday
Ironically, interest was low.
An audio was released from the Mariana Trench, the lowest place on earth
Word is, it was of former Trump Secretary of DHS, Kristi Noem, discussing her future.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable
They make it in a Cremora-torium.
At the 2026 Oscars, side butt was the new side boob
While back at their offices, Hollywood agents and lawyers preferred look remained that of a total ass.
Three-year-old girl recovering after swallowing 37 high powered magnets
First Thought: Holy smokes, how the hell are they going to get her off the refrigerator?
Woman finds Nazi symbol etched in sandwich bun
She realized it when the bun overran her French fries.
Florida Woman, 31, accused of peeing on and damaging more than $3,000 worth of property in multiple Airbnbs
Urine big trouble, lady.
CNN: How to move 500 elephants
Tell them Barack Obama wants them to stay put.
Man mugged as he exits gas station pay site
The real news is that he had any money left.
Missouri pastor suspended after church learns she managed Epstein’s private island
Missouri will now be known as the ‘Show Me, Too’ state.
Roger Daltry reflects on life and health at 81
At this point, after all those loud shows, he’s less ‘The Who’ and more ‘The Huh.’
Marco Rubio’s giant shoes have people asking one question
… Uh, little feet, little …?