Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about cruise ship pirates, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Cruise ship pirates encountered
Look for the movie version, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Cruise Line.”
James Comey charged with threatening Trump’s life in ‘8647’ seashell post
Too bad Lindsey Graham didn’t leave those seashells instead of Comey, as they would’ve said 69 47
Disneyland turns 71
Making it the AARPiest place on Earth.
King Charles cites the Magna Carta as source for Checks and Balances in US Constitution
While Trump remains an expert at bounced checks and overdrawn balances.
Britney Spears charged with driving under influence of alcohol, drugs
Her plea: I’m not that innocent.
Microsoft plans first-ever voluntary employee buyout for up to 7% of U.S. workforce
Although, like their software, the offer could freeze without warning.
Yankee pitching has allowed two earned runs in 34 innings
While Mets pitchers are so awful, all runs scored against them shouldn’t be considered earned — but gifts.
Man rushed to the hospital after being stung by world’s most venomous animal
… Why he let himself get that close to Stephen Miller remains unclear.
Bill Belichick, Jordon Hudson at Kentucky Derby
Well, at least, it wasn’t on a school night.
Chinese national arrested at JFK after allegedly photographing US military aircraft at Nebraska base
The joke’s on him because the aircraft were stealth.
Witkoff, Kushner trip to Islamabad for peace talks canceled
You’d think they’d have enough points to go for free in their frequent liar’s account.
Man still in mental hospital he entered after stealing a $20 necklace in 1984
Yeah, but in 2026 dollars it’s worth $28.43.
Republicans slam reported Spirit Airlines bailout
Well, Trump Cabinet members do love their Spirits.
Kevin James confesses to gaining 30 pounds in Italy
… Mostly tariff pounds.
Trump said he was offered job of Supreme Leader
Did Dianna Ross die?