The United States has a new First Lady.
Cilia Flores, the wife of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, married Donald J. Trump at 12:01 am on January 4th in a civil ceremony at Stewart Air National Guard Base in Newburgh, New York. Hours before, Trump had divorced Melania via a Zoom call he made from Las Vegas, Nevada.
The President claims that Ms. Flores “knows how to be the wife of a dictator in a way that Melania never did. Every time I wanted to do the sex with Melania the Ice Queen, she insisted that I buy her a new Hermès Birkin bag. Do you have any idea how much one of those things costs? Well, the 35 Gold Togo Leather version can set you back as much as $30,000! I have the receipt.”
When reporters informed the President that his new wife was still legally married to Maduro, he responded, “in America, if a husband is arrested, he immediately relinquishes ownership of his wife. You should know that. By the way, this has NEVER been about Venezuelan oil or drug smuggling; it’s always been about Cilia. And did you notice that the handbag she held at the ceremony was from T. J. Maxx?”