Urgent questions about Venezuela’s future appear to have been answered on Wednesday, when President Donald J. Trump promised statehood for the South American country if its citizens pledged to speak only English, and to do so without any trace of an accent.
“Let’s face facts,” said Trump. “Venezuela has been a dumpster fire for at least the past two decades, and the people who live there know that the only difference between their country and Cuba is that in Venezuela you can buy an automobile manufactured after 1954.
“This is an incredible offer I’m making to the Venezuelan people. So incredible. Bob Iger is prepared to build a Disney World in Caracas as soon as I give him the go-ahead. How great is that? It’s so great.
“But we can’t do any of this if Venezuelans insist on speaking Spanish. Nobody understands what you’re saying, least of all my son-in-law Jared Kushner, who would serve as Venezuela’s Interim Governor until elections are held in 2035. We’re talking about your country becoming part of the United States, folks; we’re not a tapas bar in Barcelona.
“If Venezuela doesn’t accept my offer by January 15th, Greenland will become our 51st state. English is their first language, right?”