A Slightly Less Modest Proposal

I’m tired of all these needy people, always refusing to take responsibility for themselves, and crying at the slightest discomfort. Babies should just grow up already. They’re bald and toothless, anti-social, and they can’t give directions worth a damn. The last time I asked a baby where the nearest Starbucks was, he just looked up at me, with drool running down his chin, and crapped his pants. At least I think that’s what he was doing. The nose thing on his face was scrunched up, and his little forehead was turning red, for all I know he may not have liked Starbucks. Stop with your social commentaries, babies, they’re getting boring.

You know, babies aren’t really good at much, and that’s why I don’t trust them. They only know how to sleep, cry, and poop, and I think it’s time they learned a trade, or moved out of the way. Here are some trades babies may be able to perform, and become a benefit, rather than a drag on society:

• Limo drivers for the criminally insane
• Ball retrievers for table tennis matches
• Window washers for Lego skyscrapers
• Shallow sea fisherman
• President of the United States
• Kitty cats

Get to work, babies!!!

I’m not going so far as to advocate a Swiftian proposal here, I don’t think we should eat babies as the solution yet, but I do think babies should start carrying their own weight. I mean, come on, they only weigh 10 pounds, how hard could it be? I weigh almost 20 times that, and I somehow figure out how to make it through the day on my own without pooping in my own pants, most of the time, ok, at least 5 days, I mean 3 days a week. Stop it, this is not about me, babies!

Here’s the kicker though, if you’re not convinced already. All the problems we face in the world today can be traced directly back to babies. Just think of all the evildoers, dregs of society, school bus drivers, and lawyers, they were all babies at one time. We need to put a stop to this, and quickly. As Patrick Swayze once said so eloquently, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” And he was absolutely correct, we shouldn’t be putting babies in the corner where they can work together on their plot to overturn the world, we should be putting them to work for the betterment of the human race.