Kevin Woolery

Finding Jesus

After I paid for my Christmas tree, the guy at the register said I should find Jesus. I tried, but he was busy tying down someone elses tree

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Republicans are speculating as to why Romney lost the election. My theory is that after they counted the votes, he received less than Obama.

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My girlfriend wanted me to go down there, if you know what I mean, but screw that, she’s not the only one who’s afraid of the basement.

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Ricki Lake, Arsenio Hall, and Bill Clinton are back in the spotlight, which can only mean that my mom’s Beanie Babies are probably worth a fortune.

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I started using nicotine gum to quit smoking, and I think it’s working, I can’t get the damn pieces lit, and I keep burning my nose.

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So, the RNC is going on whether or not Hurricane Isaac hits. Good thing Mitt’s protected from flying debris by his hair helmet.

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I asked my grandpa what the secret was to his long relationship with my grandma, but he didn’t answer because his hearing aid was turned off

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I hope scientists are working on a gravy bomb just in case we ever get into a war with Turkey.

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If you can’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground, fence building is probably a bad career choice.

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First, Vidal Sassoon passed away in May, then Gore Vidal died a couple days ago. If I was Al Gore, I’d be crapping my pants right about now.

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