Heroin addicts aren’t good for much, but they’re the ones to ask if you want to find a needle in a haystack.
When I was a kid, I used to play chess with my dad, and he would beat me all the time, because he had a bad temper, and he drank too much. My mom just […]
For those of you who don’t remember the Heaven’s Gate cult, let me refresh your memory. This was a group of religious fanatics led by a man named Marshall Applewhite, or more lovingly referred to […]
Whenever I’m alone with my thoughts, I wonder if my grandma is looking down on me, then I wonder why she likes to watch me take a crap. She was always a little different. I […]
I’ve always loved the Grand Canyon, and I just figured out why. It’s the Earth’s vagina.
For at least the past 100 years, baseball has been considered America’s Favorite Pastime, and given that there was no TV or Internet available for most of those 100 years, it makes some amount of […]
I’m gonna open a massage parlor called “Happy Endings.” I’ll show Disney movies during your session, followed by a hand job..
I’m tired of all these needy people, always refusing to take responsibility for themselves, and crying at the slightest discomfort. Babies should just grow up already. They’re bald and toothless, anti-social, and they can’t give […]
Politics are so boring. I think we need to spice things up, and pass into law a WWE style cage match instead of the endless droning that currently happens on the floor of Congress — […]
I went to Walmart a few weeks ago, because they were having a sale on wife beaters. Not actually people who beat wives, even though I’m sure they work there, but white tank tops. They […]