Heaven’s Gate Part 2: The iCult

For those of you who don’t remember the Heaven’s Gate cult, let me refresh your memory. This was a group of religious fanatics led by a man named Marshall Applewhite, or more lovingly referred to as “Bo” by his minions, and his accomplice, Bonnie Nettles, also known as “Peep.”  Bo and Peep believed that the Earth was going to be recycled, and the only way to survive this apocalypse was to rendezvous with a spaceship on the far side of the Hale-Bop comet. Being that technology had not allowed them to fire up their own intergalactic transport vehicle, the cult members thought that the only way to avert imminent catastrophe was to encourage their souls to leave the planet by way of a mass suicide. On March 26th, 1997, Bo, Peep, and 37 additional members of this cult proceeded to ingest phenobarbitol mixed with a some applesauce. You can see how crazy this is, because who would choose applesauce as their last meal. If they would have mixed the lethal drugs with a chocolate donut, or a bottle of scotch, I may have signed up, but applesauce, come on Bo.

After all the members of the cult left the mortal realm, the news teams stormed the compound to find 39 members wearing the same black sweat suits, and tasteless Payless sneakers. If this is the dress code to the other plane of human existence, I’m happy staying right where I am, thank you very much. I’m more of a T-Shirt, and flip-flops kind of a guy. I wonder where that means I’ll end up. Hopefully, in Margaritaville.

Well, it’s been over 14 years since this tragic event, and there haven’t been any cults that I can think of that have made the news like the Heaven’s Gate group. Maybe, we, as a people, have nullified the appeal of the religious manipulators to the weak masses, right? No, think again, there’s a cult-a-brewing that’s more influential, more stealth, and much more powerful than the Heaven’s Gate crazies. For the last 35 years there has been a cult movement building right under our noses, and you may be surprised to find out that you may actually be a member. That’s right, we’ve all slowly been led to slaughter.

This new cult, led by a man named Steve Jobs, has lulled it’s followers into blind acceptance. The cult of Apple has taken away the individuality that we were all born with, and has numbed us to believe that Apple is the one true way, the path to happiness, and complete fulfillment. The members are driven to believe that any product, no matter how perceivably useless by normal thinking humans, is one step closer to spiritual enlightenment. This may be true, I mean, have you actually used an iPad, or an iPad2, or an iPhone, they’re life changers? Wait, I’m trying to be objective here, I just can’t help mentioning how awesome their products are. But enough, I’m trying to exfoliate my soul of the Jobsian dogma.

If you still don’t believe that Apple is a cult, let’s look at a few points that prove this point:

  • Heaven’s Gate was started by a man named Applewhite. Applewhite has the name Apple right in the beginning.
  • Before leaving this mortal plane, Heaven’s Gate members ate poison applesauce. Apple’s are used to make applesauce.
  • Cult’s practice mind control. The extended use of Apple products will control your mind. Think about going one day without your iPhone, I rest my case.
  • Cult’s isolate members from family and friends. Due to Apple’s proprietary nature, members are encouraged, and sometimes prohibited from fraternizing with non-Apple members.


If this isn’t enough to convince you. There’s one more recent development that has caught my attention, and should make any rational person snap out of this potentially fatal hypnosis. Apple is building a spaceship. Yes, you read that correctly, Apple is building a spaceship. This sounds eerily familiar. Just because Heaven’s Gate was limited on technology and budget, doesn’t mean Apple is going to make the same mistake with their voyage off this doomed planet. The new spaceship will be located in Cupertino, California, and conveniently act, at least temporarily, as the gathering place for the cult administrators. This will be where some of the greatest minds in cult technology will work diligently to convince us all that we need to accept Apple or be destroyed by lesser cults like Microsoft, and Google.

People of Earth, this is a warning. You have the chance to make a good decision today, and not just follow Steve Jobs into your own eternal damnation. Look at all the products around you, I hear that HP is coming out with a really nice tablet computer, maybe we should all check it out, it could save our lives.


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4 thoughts on “Heaven’s Gate Part 2: The iCult”

  1. At one time, I thought it might be fun to travel with the Heaven’s Gate people. They traveled the exact right way. No luggage and no need to get to the airport on time. Very simple. Alas, they “blasted off” before I had a chance to join. Maybe Steve Jobs will want me.

  2. Oh I remember them, all right. I bring them up in conversation pretty much every other day. And I thought they had some sweet Nikes? I mean, they weren’t the $100 kind of anything, but they were name-brand I thought.

    But I am always cautious when someone tells me, “the only way to get on the spaceship that you can’t see is to kill yourself.” Even it’s mom saying it.

  3. Oh my gosh! I never would have put the two together, but now thanks to you, Kevin, it is so clear. Steve Jobs is the new Bo. Who is the new Peep then? This was so funny and sort of scary because I think I could be persuaded into thinking it’s true. Hm. I might be cult material.

    1. The trigger for me to put the two together was the recently released image of the new Apple headquarters, aka Silicon Valley Spaceship.

      I’d have to say Timothy Cook would be the “Peep” to Steve Jobs “Bo”. He’s the COO of Apple, and he mainly works in the background. It’s funny that we never here a “peep” from him, and that’s because he’s secretly plotting the logistics required for the escape from Earth.

      I have to admit that I bought into the cult as well. I was a huge fan of Apple products, but I was finally able to switch from the iPhone last year, and I feel that I’ve taken some control of my life. However, I do feel drawn to buy an iPad2, even though I have no use for it whatsoever.

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