Just got into an accident, and it was obviously staged for insurance money. I should have seen it coming, the guy was driving an Isuzu.
I bought a table, chair, and bookshelf from IKEA. Came home, mixed up the parts, put them together, and now I have three guillotines.
People who have butlers shouldn’t be surprised when somebody ends up mysteriously murdered.
I’m working on a new comic book super hero. This guy gets bit by a radioactive slug, then just lays around all day, doing nothing.
Jesus, and Buddha walk into a Red Cross, and the nurse says we can’t help you. So Jesus asks why not, and the nurse says we’re non-prophet.
Trojan is a terrible name for a condom, especially since all the Greek soldiers broke out of the horse and killed everyone.
When I die I want to be cremated, and put into the pepper shakers at Olive Garden.
Relationships are a lot like writing for a blog. When it’s new, you’re excited about doing it every day, then it starts to get boring, and you run out of things to say, so you […]
Whenever I’m in the produce section of the grocery store, and I see a woman put a cucumber in her basket, I have to laugh to myself, because I know what she’s probably going to […]
My girlfriend told me that her biological clock is ticking, and all this time I thought she was just farting under the blankets