The Northern Lights

Disclaimer: The following article is highly likely to contain scientific facts that I made up on the spot, so if you’re using this article as citation for a college research paper, don’t do it Courtney, you’ll get an F. Courtney is my daugther, and I’m not sure she actually has a paper due about The Northern Lights, but I’m just covering my bases. I don’t need her getting kicked out of school, and having to take a job at the local carwash to pay her way through the Ronald McDonald Burger Academy. Anyway, here’s the unscientific science I’ve mentioned.

 

In a phenomenon that only happens once every 100 trillion years or so, give or take a week, the Aurora Borealis, or for the more simple folks, the Northern Lights, are visible much more south than usual — maybe, and this is just a thought,  someone should think of renaming them The Sometimes Northern Lights, But Could Be Southern Lights In Some Conditions, Like If You’re Standing On Your Head Lights, but I digress. Normally, only Sarah Palin can see the magnificence from her front porch. As a matter of fact, for a while, I thought Sarah Palin was just making up this business about lights in the sky, and that she fell on her head one too many times, but according to a few people I know, who are not as of yet categorized as raving lunatics, these lights are not a figment of her small imagination, but the real deal. It turns out that the lights are pissed about being captive in the cold, I mean, who doesn’t want to go south for the winter, birds fly to Mexico to stay warm, and old people mosey to their beach homes in Florida, it’s only natural that Aurora would want to work on her tan. By the way, I’m not trying to be sexist by calling the Aurora Borealis a woman, but for some reason the vast amount of patience required for just sitting in the sky watching over everyone seems like much more of a female characteristic — I may be kissing up here though. If the lights were indeed a man, they would have burned out many years ago, and you would probably hear more on the news about farting coming from the sky north of Alaska.

I think the decision by The Northern Lights to migrate south at this time is not as simple as a longing for warmer weather. I am concerned that this migration, or “escape,” if you will, is happening now of all times. If you haven’t heard lately, there’s a little thing called the Occupy Movement happening all over the world. This movement is calling for the %1 to be accountable for their actions, and how these actions affect the 99%. I don’t know about you, but I smell a conspiracy, and I think we need to look into it. For billions, or maybe even thousands of years, the Aurora Borealis has stood guard over, or “occupied”, one of the most uninhabitable, dangerous places on earth, and now she’s left her post, leaving it fully open to rampant corruption by one of the most notorious of the 1%. The timing raises one very important question in my mind, and it should in your’s too: who’s keeping track of Santa Claus?

 

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One thought on “The Northern Lights”

  1. oh my Gosh, so is Santa then a good guy or bad guy? Is Aurora telling us that unwatched he might be up to no good? So, you have friends who aren’t all lunatics yet? I am sort of surprised. 🙂

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