Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the FIFA President, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
World Cup fans in shock after finding out FIFA President Gianni Infantino’s yearly salary
At some point, look for FIFA to get a ‘Running in the Red’ Card.
Lindsey Graham’s sister appointed to fill his Senate seat
So, a D.I.E. hire.
They found a piece of Amelia Earhart’s plane
Not surprisingly, all of her luggage is still missing.
E. Jean Carroll Receives More Than $5.6 Million Payout From Trump
Apparently, the only two things doing well in Trump’s America are E. Jean and E Coli.
SpaceX loses over $1 trillion in value from peak
C’mon it’s not like it’s crashing like a Tesla in reverse … or is it?
Woman beat mother in head with vibrator during argument, police say
She was arrested for assault and battery-operated weapon.
Happy 70th, Tom Hanks
Life may still be like a box of chocolates; but you may wanna cut back ‘cause y’know, high blood pressure …
Tour de France heats up
I can’t be the only one thinking ‘The Tour’ would be way more interesting if the contestants also delivered newspapers.
7 Reasons people are afraid of Love
Well, if it’s Courtney Love, let’s start with the bitch is crazy.
Chain link fence around the Jefferson Memorial reflecting pool
… Wait until Mexico sees the bill.
Former California meth capital ranked among the best places to raise a family in the U.S.
OK … a Manson family, but still.
Binge drinking vs. critical thinking
I say, let’s have a kegger and discuss it!
Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome linked to heavy cannabis use is often misdiagnosed
What was that syndrome again?