Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Trump naming Katie Zacharia as the new White House Press Secretary, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The president has chosen Katie Zacharia, another blonde, as the face of the White House press team
… So, we’re talking a D Y E hire.
SCIENCE ALERT: Sexually transmitted diarrhea is exploding in the U.S. and becoming resistant to medication
That’ll teach people to hook up on Plenty of Rotten Fish.
How Cornell disciplined each of the seven frat members accused of gang rape: Expulsions, ‘reflection papers’ and more
Honestly, the punishment would have been harsher if they’d said ‘Free Palestine,’ instead of ‘Free Pussy.’
Genre-defying Canadian poet Anne Carson wins 2026 Nobel Prize in Literature
… Word is, Trump: Fake prize! No one does fiction better than me.
Instant ramen noodles increase risk of illnesses such as cancer, diabetes and heart disease
Well, on the upside, you certainly get your money’s worth.
Three fired OpenAI researchers release letter saying their axing will leave ‘chilling’ effects on company culture
Dad joke alert: Chances are it will happen promptly …
Lauren Sánchez wants Jeff Bezos to ‘run for president’ so she can be ‘First Lady’
… Only if he doesn’t deliver within 3 days, he can be returned.
William Shatner, 95, surprises fans by fronting a heavy metal band at Riot Fest
… No word if then they all got into the Starship Enterprise and flew away with its left turn signal continually flashing.
Russian lawmakers allow Putin to continue use of military in Ukraine
Putin allows lawmakers to stay lawmakers.
US pulls Stealth bombers from key UK base after suspected Iran-
linked terror plot
… Or maybe they didn’t.
Carson Daly reveals he warned Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani their romance would fail
… Nice wedding toast, Carson!
MAHA Himalayan Testosterone booster is sometimes full of feces
As opposed to RFK Jr who is always full of …
Disney World solved a problem that could save America billions every year
… Uh, telling people don’t go to Disney World.
WHO issues Russian plague statement
Personally, I’m waiting to hear from LED ZEPPLIN.