Pretty boys like Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez get to screw all the hot chicks. Ugly boys like the guys listed below get screwed in print by heartless bastards like me.
Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s, parents disciplined unruly children by threatening to take them to the ballpark on days that Don Mossi was scheduled to pitch. One look at the lefty would scare any kid straight. Easily the most objectionable looking man ever to wear a major league uniform—or anything else for that matter—Mossi’s unsightly head puts him at the head of our list of the ugliest baseball players of all time. His gigantic hook nose, narrow, lopsided eyes and bushy eyebrows would have been enough to put him on any all-ugly team, but throw in a set of enormously grotesque ears that would make even Dumbo envious and you have yourself the all-time supreme king of the baseball uglies.
What can you say about a guy whose face looks like one of those artificial rock-climbing walls? Well first you’d probably say something like “Holy crap, what’s that artificial rock-climbing wall doing on that guy’s face?!!” Then after a closer look, you’d probably agree that Eziquiel Astacio is one of the ugliest creatures ever to walk (or crawl) on this planet. With an assortment of hideous bumps protruding from various areas of his face and neck, Astacio no longer pitches in the major leagues probably because he couldn’t pass television decency standards.
Every photo ever taken of Otis Nixon looks like a mug shot of a crack whore. The good news is that the former outfielder only weighs in at somewhere around 60 pounds, so he presents a much smaller dose of ugliness than his counterparts. In fact after an unfortunate shaving accident, Nixon once doubled as one of Don Mossi’s eyebrows.
Most of the guys on this list got here based on the repugnant nature of their faces, but Bartolo Colon is the total package with head to toe repulsiveness. If fat and disgusting is what you like, you’ll absolutely adore this big Latin tub of goo. From his Bozo-like hair to his fat, stubby arms to his blubbery belly to his fat, stubby legs, Colon brings everything to the table. And then happily devours it.
When your nickname is “E.T.” you know you have yourself some major looks problems of the third kind. A couple of things separate the cinematic extraterrestrial from the baseball version. First, the one in the film was somehow cute and lovable—there ain’t nothing cute and lovable about Willie McGee. Secondly, the ugly little shit of movie fame eventually returned home to wherever it was from whence he came. Willie McGee, however, calls this planet home which means we here on Earth are stuck with that ugly little shit.
George Foster called his ebony-colored bat “Black Beauty” and his ebony-colored bat referred to him as “that big, black ugly thing.” A member of the famed Big Red Machine, Foster was blessed with tremendous power and could hit the ball out of sight. Unfortunately, he remained in sight.
At first glance, the former catcher appears to be some kind of laboratory hybrid between a werewolf and a Muppet, but further study has shown that Andy Etchebarren is nothing more than a gigantic unibrow with an ugly human attached to it.
One of the greatest pitchers of all time is also one of the ugliest to ever toe the rubber. Randy Johnson’s face looks like Bartolo Colon stomped all over it while wearing golf shoes, then started it on fire and tried to put it out with a bucket of acid. You can call yourself “The Big Unit” all you want dude but with a mug like that, you just ain’t ever gonna get laid.