The Ugliest Baseball Players of All Time | HumorOutcasts

The Ugliest Baseball Players of All Time

July 17, 2011
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Pretty boys like Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez get to screw all the hot chicks. Ugly boys like the guys listed below get screwed in print by heartless bastards like me.

Don Mossi

Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s, parents disciplined unruly children by threatening to take them to the ballpark on days that Don Mossi was scheduled to pitch. One look at the lefty would scare any kid straight. Easily the most objectionable looking man ever to wear a major league uniform—or anything else for that matter—Mossi’s unsightly head puts him at the head of our list of the ugliest baseball players of all time. His gigantic hook nose, narrow, lopsided eyes and bushy eyebrows would have been enough to put him on any all-ugly team, but throw in a set of enormously grotesque ears that would make even Dumbo envious and you have yourself the all-time supreme king of the baseball uglies.

Eziquel Astacio

What can you say about a guy whose face looks like one of those artificial rock-climbing walls? Well first you’d probably say something like “Holy crap, what’s that artificial rock-climbing wall doing on that guy’s face?!!” Then after a closer look, you’d probably agree that Eziquiel Astacio is one of the ugliest creatures ever to walk (or crawl) on this planet. With an assortment of hideous bumps protruding from various areas of his face and neck, Astacio no longer pitches in the major leagues probably because he couldn’t pass television decency standards.

Otis Nixon

Every photo ever taken of Otis Nixon looks like a mug shot of a crack whore. The good news is that the former outfielder only weighs in at somewhere around 60 pounds, so he presents a much smaller dose of ugliness than his counterparts. In fact after an unfortunate shaving accident, Nixon once doubled as one of Don Mossi’s eyebrows.

Bartolo Colon

Most of the guys on this list got here based on the repugnant nature of their faces, but Bartolo Colon is the total package with head to toe repulsiveness. If fat and disgusting is what you like, you’ll absolutely adore this big Latin tub of goo. From his Bozo-like hair to his fat, stubby arms to his blubbery belly to his fat, stubby legs, Colon brings everything to the table. And then happily devours it.

Willie McGee

When your nickname is “E.T.” you know you have yourself some major looks problems of the third kind. A couple of things separate the cinematic extraterrestrial from the baseball version. First, the one in the film was somehow cute and lovable—there ain’t nothing cute and lovable about Willie McGee. Secondly, the ugly little shit of movie fame eventually returned home to wherever it was from whence he came. Willie McGee, however, calls this planet home which means we here on Earth are stuck with that ugly little shit.

George Foster

George Foster called his ebony-colored bat “Black Beauty” and his ebony-colored bat referred to him as “that big, black ugly thing.” A member of the famed Big Red Machine, Foster was blessed with tremendous power and could hit the ball out of sight. Unfortunately, he remained in sight.

Andy Etchebarren

At first glance, the former catcher appears to be some kind of laboratory hybrid between a werewolf and a Muppet, but further study has shown that Andy Etchebarren is nothing more than a gigantic unibrow with an ugly human attached to it.

Randy Johnson

One of the greatest pitchers of all time is also one of the ugliest to ever toe the rubber. Randy Johnson’s face looks like Bartolo Colon stomped all over it while wearing golf shoes, then started it on fire and tried to put it out with a bucket of acid. You can call yourself “The Big Unit” all you want dude but with a mug like that, you just ain’t ever gonna get laid.

Frank Mucci

People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2015 and winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature, Frank likes to make up shit about himself and state it as fact. Here's is some actual NOT made up shit about Frank: He is the author of "An Incurable Disease: Memories, Observations and Ravings from a Baby Boomer Cub Fan," available in print and for Kindle at Amazon.com.

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8 Responses to The Ugliest Baseball Players of All Time

  1. October 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I have to agree with my dad about Otis Nixon. He’s not bad-looking at all. I used to have that 1986 Topps baseball card of Willie McGee! As a kid, I always liked the “cute” players–George Brett was my favorite, of course. I think he’s a real a**hole, though.

    • October 6, 2011 at 8:48 pm

      So right, Maria. Anyone who is a friend of Rush Limbaugh has just got to be an a**hole.

  2. jim
    July 27, 2011 at 11:12 am

    how could you leave out ron karkovice? he was so MUY FEO i seen the numbers and letters jump off his jersey in horror.

  3. Kathy Minicozzi
    July 18, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Otis Nixon isn’t so bad, or did he just happen to be in good light when they took that picture?

    By the way, you forgot Babe Ruth. He was no beauty, either. He looked like an ugly Jonathan Winters.

  4. Jack Sass
    July 17, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    That one of Mossi is a caricature, right? It’s just gotta be!

  5. Theresa Wiza
    July 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Come on, Frank, you know that more than looks attracts a woman. Money, fame, fortune, athletic prowess. And what are you doing looking at guys anyway? Hmmm??? 😉

  6. July 17, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Come on, Frnak, I thought any guy in a baseball cap could get laid! In fact, I thought that was why you wore one yourself! BTW, I think Otis Nixon is much better looking than the rest of this crew; maybe he only deserved honorable mention.

  7. July 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Funny stuff, Frank. You’ve made baseball interesting to me.



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