After a long hiatus (Latin for “drug and alcohol rehab”), I have returned to bring you this year’s edition of my favorite subject: sex scandals. And if the sex scandals of 2011 taught us anything, it’s that men are a bunch of sick pervs. OK, we already knew that.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Imagine this scenario: The cleaning lady bends over to pick up your poop-stained underwear and the next thing you know, she’s pregnant with your kid. Ten years later, you finally tell your wife it’s no coincidence that the maid’s son has a large gap between his teeth and speaks with a heavy Austrian accent.
Yes, it’s happened to every guy. But Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t just any guy–he’s an actor and a politician. If he had just stayed an actor, it probably wouldn’t have caused such a stir. Hell, we expect people from Hollywood to be a bunch of immoral pervs. Politicians on the other hand… well, yes, they’re a bunch of immoral pervs too. For instance…
Anthony Weiner
Caught sexting photos of his wiener to young college gals as if he were an old, broken-down NFL quarterback, former New York representative Anthony Weiner got himself in a whole bunch of trouble in 2011. His ill-advised decision to e-post his crotch while maintaining an online relationship with porn actress Ginger Lee cost Weiner his job and has no doubt inspired his wife to closely monitor his social media privileges.
Not that tweeting your junk is the worst thing in the world—I tweet my junk as often as possible—but if I had been saddled with a surname like Weiner, I’d probably think twice before sending pics of little Anthony out into cyberspace. On the other hand, if my last name happened to be Boehner…
Herman Cain
It seems every day brings us a new lady who wants to come out and tell us all about her past encounters with the Tiger Woods of politics. Accusations of unsolicited naughty talk and hoo-hoo fondling have been trumped by recent claims of a 13-year boinking relationship with a woman other than the old-ball-and-chain, bringing an apparent end to the chief executive aspirations of poor Herman Cain.
Once proudly sitting atop that giant, putrid dung heap otherwise known as the Republican presidential field, Cain was enjoying the adoration of his many peeps when everything came crashing down to a point where that formerly left-for-dead poop-beetle, Newt Gingrich, has crawled all the way to the top of the heap.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn
As sexually desirable as women who mop floors and clean toilets may be, it is time for men to understand that sex with ladies of the cleaning profession will only get you in a heap of big-time trouble. French presidential hopeful Dominique Strauss-Kahn can tell you all about that because he lost any chance of getting elected when he was arrested in a New York hotel and charged with raping a hotel maid, which apparently isn’t included in room service.
Jerry Sandusky
Attention: Horsing around in the shower with a 10-year-old boy could lead to accidental penetration of the 10-year-old boy’s anus by your 60-year-old erect penis. This unfortunate accident could result in misinterpretation by others that you are a pedophile. Please use extreme caution!
If such a warning had been posted in the showers at Penn State University, poor Jerry Sandusky may have been spared much pain and embarrassment. Unfortunately, Sandusky hadn’t been warned of the dangers of horsing around in the shower with 10-year-old boys and so his 60-year-old penis did indeed somehow end up inside the anus of a 10-year-old boy.
And as Jerry will soon find out, there are no warnings posted in prison showers either.
Ashton Kutcher
Nothing says, “I love you sweetheart!” like spending your wedding anniversary in a hot tub with a young blonde chick who is less than half your wife’s age… unless, of course, it’s doing all that and then hopping out of the hot tub and screwing the young blonde chick.
That’s what Ashton Kutcher did on the 6th anniversary of his marriage to 48-year-old Demi Moore. For some reason, Moore didn’t understand the beauty of such sentiment, filing for divorce, and saving Ashton the worry of how to celebrate their 7th anniversary.
Justin Bieber
From the moment I first heard that a young woman was claiming she had popped pre-teen idol Justin Bieber’s cherry and in doing so became pregnant with his love child, I was skeptical. I’m no doctor, but don’t your testicles have to drop before you can be a daddy?
Anyway, 20-year-old Mariah Yeater insists that Bieber take a paternity test to prove once and for all that the annoying little bastard is the father of her annoying little bastard. Stay tuned.
Sheriff Patrick Sullivan
If there was a facility named after you, wouldn’t you want to maybe check it out? Perhaps spend some time there? Recently, former Colorado sheriff Patrick Sullivan got to spend some time at the jail that bears his name because he was arrested for trading methamphetamines to inmates for sex. That’s right! He gave them drugs and they gave him the high hard one. The nice thing about all of this is if he’s found guilty, Sullivan will no longer have to trade meth in order to get some of that good inmate sex he craves so much.
Yes, in the end, he’ll pretty much be getting exactly what he wants.