I’m Not Dead Yet

Hello.

In case you don’t remember me, allow me to re-introduce myself. I’m that prick you all love to hate.

If you’re new here, I’m excited to make you hate me.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this whole blog thing. (Not that I ever did it that much to begin with) I’ve been a bit busy as of late. Between moving to the East Coast, dropping the ball on the self promotion of my book, (Elliston, you guys should really buy it) making a Stephen Baldwin movie, (I apologize in advance) sleeping until 1 p.m. most days and masturbating to Blake Lively in Savages… I just haven’t had much time to sit down and do this.

A lot has happened lately. We have four more years of chocolaty goodness in the White House for your enjoyment. Donald Trump called for a revolution. Still unsure if it was a plug for the NBC show that stole his Apprentice timeslot or an actual call to arms. Starbucks made a shit ton of money on pumpkin spice lattes, and now they’re not. Black Friday started a day early and made us forget about all the poor raped Indians we normally celebrate by overeating.

Oh….

And the reason I sat down to write in the first place; Zuckerberg our favorite Jew is at it again with the genius ideas. In the most brilliant business move since taking Facebook public a couple years too late, he’s decided to apparently copyright all of your personal status updates and pictures!

And I’ll be damned if you all haven’t overreacted to that…

I mean seriously, do all think there’s money to be made of your self-righteous, narcissistic status’? I mean you’re all not like me and can pull that off. And the stupid pictures of your duck faces, half eaten food and the mutant spawn of yours and your significant others combined DNA? Come on, if there really was, wouldn’t you already be cashing that paycheck?

I’ve put up with your bitching for an entire week, and I’m tired of it. Either accept that the uncoolest Mark since Marky Mark is doing this or STOP using Facebook! It’s that fucking simple. I mean you agreed to this in the terms and conditions when you signed up.

But if you’re actually going to stop Facebooking, please don’t move to Twitter. Because I avoid Facebook just to avoid you.