We love a good conspiracy, and the past five or six decades have given us plenty of conspiracies to examine and obsess over. We have the JFK, RFK and MLK assassinations (thank goodness for initials as they make conspiracy theories seem so much more official). Let’s not minimize the Fake-Man-on-the-Moon conspiracy theory which is still believed today by way too many supposed smart people. In more recent history, we have the Princess Diana Murder conspiracy, the Apocalypse and Mayan Calendar conspiracy, which depending upon how the next few months go, I might root for, and of course, the never-ending number of theories surrounding the 9/11 attacks.
Now, we have a new conspiracy theory – one I am sure will go down in the annals of history as one of the most important in securing peace and justice in this world. Brace yourself: It is now believed by those “in the know” that actress Kristin Stewart and actor Robert Pattinson staged her cheating affair and their subsequent break up to promote their careers and films.
May I just say that I am stunned. I might never be the same after reading this headline story that graced the front page of internet news sites. Yes, in a week where diplomats are murdered, the global economy is cracking under pressure and the US presidential election is weeks away, the world cares about the love life between two actors whose claim to fame is starring in mediocre movies based on less-than-mediocre books about sucking blood out of humans for sexual pleasure.
I know I don’t need to ask, but you do sense my sarcasm, right? In light of the newest conspiracy, I am proposing a new rule book which will limit conspiracy theories or perhaps end them forever. These are some of the new rules:
1. No conspiracy theories surrounding real life or fake vampires. Why? How much blood sucking for orgasms can there be in this world? So, to make this rule work, we need to ban vampire movies also because they lead to people trying to live out their fantasies to find their own vampire love match which rarely works out well for anyone involved. These movies subsequently lead to messy relationships that end up with someone dead or in jail which in turn leads to stupid conspiracy theories.
2. Conspiracy theories cannot be about celebrity romances unless those celebrity romances surround famous dogs, horses or other lovable furry creatures. Why? Because Hollywood animals are cute especially when they fall in love and Hollywood people are not. Nothing is more nauseating than millionaire-twenty-somethings gushing about love.
3. No conspiracy theories will be allowed that begin with the phrasing: “ According to unnamed government sources” or “My best friend’s aunt is friends with the guy who witnessed this”. Why? Because these sources tend to be made up or embellished, and why they might work for today’s media who rarely cares about facts, they tend to fall apart down the line and make everyone look stupid.
4. Conspiracy theories cannot be promoted by anyone who works in Hollywood and who appears on Entertainment Tonight, TMZ, Huffington Post Live or Piers Morgan. This eliminates many conspiracies that we have been forced to endure for the past 20 years from Jenny McCarthy’s vaccine rants to Charlie Sheen’s scientific explanation of 9/11 which maintains that George W. Bush masterminded this event to gain a greater political foothold. Frankly, I find the 9/11 theory to be the least believable as it has been proven impossible time and time again for George W. Bush to have masterminded anything .
5. Those who claim that they spend several days a week on alien spacecraft or claim that they are embedded with alien homing devices are not allowed to put forth any conspiracy theories. They have forfeited their right when they decided to be insane.
6. There will be no conspiracy theories about how the “mainstream” scientific community refuses to acknowledge and share Bigfoot evidence with those “non-mainstream” scientists looking for the Sasquatch. Yell at me if you want, but Bigfoot is a big boy and if he wants to be found, the “mainstream” scientific community cannot stop him.
Do I think this new rule book on conspiracy theories can take off? Yes, because I heard from an unnamed source and Charlie Sheen that the there was a group of secret, high-level officials who want to end conspiracy theories and replace them with theories about ESP and astral projection. And if you don’t believe that, then know this: My cousin who once cut Hillary Clinton’s hair says this is so true. So, there you have it. I don’t know what other evidence you might need.