Bum on Broadway

BUM ON BROADWAY  

Two dozen grandchildren remember Bum Phillips, a genuine cowboy and the most colorful and funny football coach of all time. Oail Andrew “Bum” Phillips died at age 90 on October 19, 2013.

If Broadway were to immortalize any coach, tell a rich life story, throw in a few songs and quotes, Bum Phillips would be perfect.

Opening Scene:
Bum had instituted a policy of not speaking to out-of-town media. Two reporters complained about not gaining access to the NFL and Bum was forced to meet with the reporters. Bum says “I never had a problem with the media.” Bum then shouts to an employee “Have I ever had a ….?” Before Bum can finish his sentence, a scuffle going on behind the double doors results with Bum’s quarterback, Dan Pastorini, lifting a reporter by his waist and tossing him through the doors  where he lands at the feet of the other two reporters. Without blinking, Bum mutters, “Except for this.”

Then asked if he were concerned about the possibility of being fired, Bum responds “There are two types of coaches, them that’s fired and them that’s going to be fired.”

On why his wide receiver dropped so many balls that day “The guy couldn’t catch VD from a goat.”

Explaining the game results, Bum says “The harder we played, the behinder we got.”
Asked about reports Earl Campbell couldn’t finish the mile run in practice, Bum quipped “Next time it’s first and a mile, I won’t give it to him.”

Asked by an out-of-town reporter why he doesn’t wear his tall, white Stetson in the Astrodome, Bum answers “Mama always said that if it can’t rain on you, you’re indoors.”

Answering about the unusual habit of bringing his wife to all the out-of-town games, Bum says “Because she’s too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

Good opening song, right there:
I take her everywhere I fly
I couldn’t leave her if I try
‘Cause she’s too ugly to kiss goodbye.

The Steelers were the Oiler’s and Bum’s arch rival. They were the subject of many of his quotes. In the next flashback scene Bum is addressing Houston fans, many of them carrying “Luv ya, Blue” signs. Before addressing the fans, Bum tells reporters when asked about facing the Steelers six times in two seasons, “The road to the Super Bowl runs through Pittsburgh, sooner or later you got to go to Pittsburgh.” He goes on to tell the fans “Last year we knocked on the door. This year we beat on it. Next year we’re going to kick the sumbitch in.”

The Oilers cheerleaders clad in tall, white Stetsons sing:
Them that don’t, don’t
Them that do, do
Love ya, Bum but truly
We love ya, Blue

Sounds like a good title for the show: “Love Ya, Bum.”