Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Jeff Bezos’ superyacht, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Jeff Bezos ‘selling $500MM superyacht because it attracts too much attention’
If he had Prime, he could have just returned it within 30 days.
Happy Cinco De Mayo
For Star Wars geeks: that would be, ‘May the Fifth of Tequila Be With You.’
A judge unsealed Epstein’s purported 2019 suicide note
We’ll know whether the Epstein suicide note is legit if it’s signed ‘Epstein’s Mother.’
The cost of Trump Ballroom is now a billion dollars
What’s it made out of gas and dry aged rib eye?
Thailand airport officials bust teenager with $9,000 worth of tortoises under her shirt
… Would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t become a turtleneck.
Pope Leo called his bank’s customer service line, and they hung up on him
I knew the devil worked those service lines.
WHO: Three dead in suspected virus outbreak on cruise ship
… Not going to believe until it’s confirmed by DEF LEOPARD.
Happy World Naked Gardening Day
The perfect time for rakes and hoes to get together.
Ice Cube responds to claim he’s quitting acting because he keeps being cast as ‘angry black man’
Cube: F**k off, whitey.
FBI Director Kash Patel has been accused of drunken behavior
… Bringing new meaning to the term Kash bar.
Elon Musk reportedly asked Ashley St. Clair not to circumcise his Jewish baby
Especially if it’s by Dr. Dreidel.
This detox may erase 10 years of social media brain damage, researchers say
The problem: the only way to find it is on social media.
THE WASHINGTON POST: Bettors wagered $54MM on Khamenei’s death. Now they’re not getting paid
So, it’s exactly like a Trump Casino.
This is what happens when you step on molten lava
Ouch… ouch… s**t… ouch… ouch… s**t… ouch…