Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
PUTIN/KRAFT MOVIE PREMISE: GWDT TO THE RESCUE
Movie idea which may be too preposterous to be believed: NFL football team owner (let’s call him Bob) claims a powerful dictator (let’s call him Vladimir) stole his Super Bowl ring and won’t GIVE IT BACK.
I know! No way Mr. Vladimir would say “I’d kill for a ring like that!” then take the ring from Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, handed him, slip it in his pocket and then have KGB thugs give the “back off” sign to Mr. Kraft. That’s hard to believe, even for 2005, but Robert Kraft insists that even after he showed Putin and the KGBers his sad face they still wouldn’t fork over the $ 25,000 ring.
That’s what makes for good movie action. Even if the Bush government says back off for the good of “U.S. – Soviet relations” we don’t want sneaky Russians getting the better of one of our major Patriots, even if he is a billionaire. Robert Kraft wants his ring back and this has Argo implications. Are you with me?
In the opening scene, we see Kraft consulting with Ross Perot. Perot had employees stuck in an Iran prison and took heroic measures to rescue his guys, or at least it sounded that way if you read Ken Follett’s Wings of Angels. Who better for a billionaire, set on rescuing his ring, to consult with then another billionaire.
You can hear Perot advising Kraft: “Well, here’s what you do, Bobby. The Kremlin is going to be heavy security, hogs in a chicken-coop, diamonds in a coal bin tough, guards everywhere. It’s going to be tricky – Tricky Dick Nixon tricky, if ya follow. You need a special operative, someone tiny who can crawl through their air ducts but also dismantle their wiring. You’re going to need that girl from Sweden with the Dragon Tattoo.”
“I know her,” says Kraft. “I saw that movie with Mara Rooney. Yes, both her grand-daddies owned football teams.”
“See,” says Perot. “That’s what we in Texas call a hunting dog with four legs. Of course, ya know she knows her Super Bowl rings. Her grand daddies have a few handfuls so she’ll cost you. You’ll probably pay ten times for what you can buy a new ring. But don’t ya worry, none, Bob. You’ll make it all back when you get Follett to write a book about the ring rescue.”
Are you intrigued? Can you see the Dragon Tattoo girl seducing Putin into a sexual escapade, then hypnotizing Vladimir into giving her the secret codes to valuable safes in the Kremlin library? There’s a good story right there. She is still going to have to crawl through the ducts after midnight to drop down to the library with Putin having no idea he spilled the library code beans. All the while she’s doing her sneaky deeds, she’s reporting back to the team of Kraft and Perot. They’re the comedy relief, this movie’s Arkin and Goodman, if you saw Argo.
Does this make for a good adventure? No. There has to be more drama. We want to see Putin waking up, sweating, Kevin Durant/Dwayne Wade Gatorade style and remembering he blabbed government secrets. A race/chase ensues where it appears Dragon girl is trapped but then turning the tables by offering to give up the ring but instead taking Putin hostage on her Harley. Don’t ask me how she does this. I don’t want to reveal too much. You’ll have to see the movie.