My 1-year-old always uses her middle finger. When she points to food, I don’t know if she means “I’m hungry” or “fuck those green beans.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014
If someone asks “Do you remember me?” I loudly reply “You’re the guy who got his dick stuck in a toaster.” It prevents future conversations.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014
Scientists recently discovered crocodiles can climb trees. The researchers announced the new info in a study titled “We are Totally Fucked.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014
Charlie Sheen proposed to his pornstar girlfriend for what’ll be his 4th marriage. I wish someone would pay me millions to be a train wreck.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014
It’s cute how my daughters trust me to take care of their hair. It’s like they don’t even know I spent a decade of my life with a bowl cut.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014