Roses Are Red/My Insurer Is Blue | HumorOutcasts

Roses Are Red/My Insurer Is Blue

June 30, 2017
By

The representatives that you get when you phone the Blue Cross customer service number are all cheerful, friendly people, which is good because I’ve been spending a lot of time with them recently.

Why? Because my employer recently switched my coverage from Aetna to Blue Cross. And I’m in therapy. My problems didn’t change when I changed insurers. And yet, when it comes to my monthly therapy bills?

Aetna paid them.

Blue Cross denies them.

That is, if they receive them at all. I’ve submitted my March bill twice but Blue Cross claims they never got it. I don’t know where the fax number that Customer Representative Teresa gave me goes, but it clearly doesn’t go to the paying-the-claims department.

Maybe it goes to Aetna.

When I learned that the first therapy bill I’d submitted to Blue Cross — way back in January — had been denied, I asked Customer Service Representative Alison why.

“I don’t know,” she said. “It doesn’t say. What kind of therapy was it? Routine or special?”

“I started seeing my shrink,” I told her, “after I discovered that the man I’d loved and trusted for 20 years had a secret girlfriend on the side for the past 10.”

She actually gasped.

“That calls for therapy,” I said, “wouldn’t you think?”

Aetna apparently agreed with me, but Blue Cross doesn’t think so.

What exactly would have to happen in my life to require the kind of therapy that Blue Cross would actually pay for?

I hope I never find out.

Meanwhile, I see my shrink every other week. She helps me stay afloat. And once a month she gives me a bill, which I submit to Blue Cross, who either loses it or denies it. Which I then discuss, at length, with Alison or Teresa or Caitlyn. From whom I get loads of sympathy. But no reimbursement.

Want to hear something ironic? I’ve spent far more time on the phone with Blue Cross trying to get reimbursed for these therapy sessions than I did in the therapy sessions themselves.

Not only that but trying to get Blue Cross to pay for my therapy has been so maddening and frustrating that I’ll probably need extra therapy to be able to cope.

There are probably therapists who specialize in this kind of thing. If not, there should be. All I know for sure is that if I see one, Blue Cross will probably refuse to reimburse me.

I work at a public library. Recently, the staff of the junior room, fed up because the kids who use the library’s computers never ever push their chairs back in, floated the idea of holding a poetry contest and giving a prize for the best poem by a young library patron about the importance of pushing in your chair before you leave the library.

Maybe what I should do instead of phoning Blue Cross customer service is hold my own poetry contest. I can offer a prize for the best poem about why Blue Cross Should Stop Stalling And Pay For Roz Warren’s Therapy.

Or Why Blue Cross Should Stop Losing Roz Warren’s Claims.

Or perhaps an ode to If A Therapy Bill Is Good Enough For Aetna, Why The Hell Isn’t It Good Enough For Blue Cross??

I’ll award a cash prize for the best poem, but I’ll Tweet all of the entries to Blue Cross. Will it make any difference? Probably not.  But at least it’ll give Teresa and Alison and Caitlyn something to read besides my therapy bills.

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider Looks At Library Life.)

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times and has been featured on both Morning Edition and The Today Show. Her latest book is JUST ANOTHER DAY AT YOUR LOCAL PUBLIC LIBRARY: AN INSIDER LOOKS AT LIBRARY LIFE.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , ,

10 Responses to Roses Are Red/My Insurer Is Blue

  1. July 7, 2017 at 1:28 am

    I know the problem. Blue Cross only covers therapy when “the man the insured loved and trusted for 25 years had a secret girlfriend on the side for the past 15.” Maybe you can get a waiver.

  2. July 6, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    Insurer denies
    No therapy permitted
    Blue Cross Blue Shield fail

  3. Helene Cohen Bludman
    July 6, 2017 at 6:25 pm

    Roz, sorry to hear about this tsuris. Here is my entry:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    It’s all Trump’s fault
    FU

  4. July 5, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    It’s a conspiracy. Blue makes you so crazy that you go back to Aetna, which goes bankrupt due to all the therapy services, and Blue buys them out for cheap and refuses to cover therapy because it’s a pre-existing condition. It’s either that or pigeons taking over our brains. I read that somewhere on this site.

  5. July 3, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    To Blue Cross, who won’t pay for therapy sessions:

    Roses are red
    Grass is green
    You should be ashamed
    For being so mean.

    Because roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I just might go postal
    And blame it on you!

  6. bill
    July 2, 2017 at 3:28 am

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Aetna says Yes
    And the Cross says Go Screw.

  7. Bill Spencer
    July 1, 2017 at 6:50 am

    Roz, I’m genuinely sorry you have this blue cross to bear.

    • July 1, 2017 at 7:51 am

      How on earth can you be this clever at 6 in the morning??

  8. July 1, 2017 at 12:48 am

    Therapy helps assign blame
    for the dirtbag who lied and for shame
    My therapist has such great skill
    She keeps me from wanting to kill
    But it won’t last if Blue Cross won’t pay my claim



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
Heartly God?
By Wil 3. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
Farewell Amelia Mary: Long Time Looking
By H.J. Worthington and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle






Archives