Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?

— Micah C.

The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.

As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs.

And, do you know why they dangle in the thinnest, wrinkliest sack of skin, Micah? (Do you?) Because testicles only function at temperatures cooler than body temperature. Yes, I agree you completely: it is exactly like making an air conditioner out of ice. And the only mechanism for maintaining this lower temperature is through sweat and to expand or contract the skin, resulting in different lengths of dangle, or “turkey neck.”

It is also this dangle that can save you from excruciating pain.

During enthusiastic intercourse, your legs are spread and your body temperature rises, lengthening your scrotum and, therefore, granting more room for testicular bounce on each forceful, baby-making thrust. The immediate recoil from her pelvis dampens the impact, leaving your testicles blissfully pain-free and her labia majora from looking like a lunar plain (unless she has shaving bumps).

However, on grocery store outings, your legs are rigidly side-to-side in heavy refrigeration. This causes the scrotum to contract, creating a tiny, cozy naked mole rat nest that will scream at the slightest intrusion. (Naked mole rats scream because anything that’s underground that isn’t your naked family is terrifying.) They have no room to swing safely in the air like ’90s Alicia Silverstone in that one Aerosmith video, but not that one. Or that one. Even a little swing and rebound would prevent that immediate throw-up-everything-I-ate-as-a-child feeling.

So, here are your options:

1) Walk like John Wayne

… who never, ever clutched his genitals in a fetal position on the floor or in a world war, even though he was totally of service age in 1941.

But, yeah, with legs slightly open, back straight and arms swinging inward, you, too, will be able to simultaneously maintain a certain elasticity to your turkey neck and keep your testes out of the way while maintaining twin pendular defenses with your hands. And you also look manly.

2) Train to win at testicles and, subsequently, life (ladies ineligible)

With proper training, you can train your testes to feel no pain. Or at least not the kind of pain that makes the rest of you cromit (cry and vomit).

However, I’m not sure how you join the Shaolin monks.

*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

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