SCENE: DOCTOR’S SURGERY
[DOCTOR FOSTER IS ATTENDING TO LITTLE JACK HORNER]
Dr Foster: Well, Master Horner, I hope that’s the last time you stick your thumb where it’s not wanted. Just rub this in twice a day for the next week.
Jack Horner: Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Dr Foster: [HARRUMPHS] I don’t know. Young people today…
[INTERCOM BLEEPS. SECRETARY PAM’S VOICE IS HEARD OVER THE SPEAKER]
Pam: Dr Foster?
Dr Foster: Yes, Pam?
Pam: There’s a common old lady on the line. She sounds desperate. She says you know her.
Dr Foster: Oh yes. Put her through. Oh, and Pam, be sure to get those contraceptives over to that funny lady who lives in a shoe.
Pam: Yes. Otherwise she’ll have to move into a welly!
Dr Foster: [GUFFAWING UNCONTROLLABLY] Ye-e-ess! Absolutely. Now, I’ve a house call to make to some poor lad who’s fallen down a hill. Can you pack my bag with some vinegar and brown paper?
[PHONE RINGS]
Dr Foster: Doctor Foster. Can I help you?
Old Woman: [BREATHING HEAVILY] ‘Allo, Doc. I’m not feeling too good. I wonder if you remember…
Dr Foster: Yes. You swallowed a fly didn’t you?
Old Woman: Yes, that’s right. It’s just that…
Dr Foster: Did we find out why you swallowed the fly?
Old Woman: No, but you know that remedy you gave me?
Dr Foster: Yes, the cider…
Old Woman: Oh! I thought you said ‘spider’
Dr Foster: You swallowed a spider?
Old Woman: Er, yeah. And I must say it left rather a strange feeling in my stomach.
Dr Foster: What, a sort of wriggly, tiggly feeling?
Old Woman: Yes.
Dr Foster: Well, did you try any of the other remedies I suggested?
Old Woman: Yes, Doctor. But I’m still feeling poorly. [COUGHS]
Dr Foster: Didn’t the lemon curd work?
Old Woman: Yeah. I went across the frog and toad and got meself a bird.
Dr Foster: A bird? You swallowed a bird?
Old Woman: That’s what you ordered, Doc.
Dr Foster: How absurd!
[COUGHS TO CLEAR THROAT – SPLUTTERS]
Sorry – just a bit of a frog in my throat.
Old Woman: Blimey! This thing is catching!
Dr Foster: Thank you Madam. Now what have you tried since swallowing the bird?
Old Woman: Er…ah…um…
Dr Foster: Come on, dear. What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Old Woman: [SURPRISED] Er, yeah!
Dr Foster: Oh no! Your digestive system must be working overtime.
Old Woman: Yes. I’ve got a terrible belly ache. The last thing I tried didn’t help at all.
Dr Foster: What was that?
Old Woman: A hot dog.
Dr Foster: Now listen carefully so you understand. You’re going to need something to race through your system and get you into a stable condition as soon as possible. Take some Red Rum…
Old Woman: Oh yes, Doctor. Of course.
[PHONE HANGS UP]
Dr Foster: Eh? No wait! Oh, dammit!
[BEEPINGS OF INTERCOM]
Dr Foster: Pam!
Pam: Yes, Doctor?
Dr Foster: Could you arrange my appointment with the Crooked Man? Thanks.
[INTERCOM BEEPS AGAIN]
Pam: Oh, Doctor. I have Solomon Grundy on the line. He wants to make an urgent appointment.
Dr Foster: But I’ve got to go to Gloucester. Tell him I’ll see him on Sunday!
[‘IRONIC’ END MUSIC]
Simon Ellinas
(with additional material from John Landers)
Now, wouldn’t it have been a great idea to get those contraceptives over to that old woman in a shoe,and while we are on the topic, how come she has kids? I never heard of a guy living in that shoe with her. How did she get those kids? I’m sorry you got me thinking.