Are Christian Conservatives Nuts?

Yes they are.

I’d suspected something wasn’t quite right with these people about the time the late Reverend Jerry Falwell began a crusade to take down that infamous public television promoter of the gay agenda, Tinky-Winky. Had Jerry not pointed out the subliminal messages of same-sex love being sent to our children in what we all thought was a harmless TV show, an entire generation of preschoolers may have grown into well-adjusted adults with strong senses of self-identity. What a disaster!

But that was years ago and aside from the occasional daft ramblings of the always daft and ever rambling Pat Robertson, these nutcases had been, for the most part, fairly quiet. Lately, however,—as often happens during election years—Christian conservatives have been back on the lookout ready to save America from itself.

If you want a good whiff of Christian conservative nuttiness, you need smell no further than the current Republican presidential campaign. From the get-go, the religious right knew they’d be well represented when Michele Bachmann tossed her halo into the ring following a message from God to do so. Apparently her creator was either confused, drunk, or pulling a practical joke because he also told Herman Cain and Rick Perry to do the same. In any case, it appears the big guy in the sky should stay out of Vegas, because he sure can’t pick a winner. All three are now out of the race for various sins apparently out of God’s control—Bachmann for being a clueless ditz; Cain for lovin’ the ladies a bit too much; Perry for being just about the dumbest human ever to walk this planet.

Before riding off into the sunset, however, Perry piqued my interest. While watching my favorite new sitcom, The Republican Debates (check your local listings for time and channel in your area), the former Texas governor often warned concerned Christian conservatives of President Obama’s “war on religion.” I was excited. “Holy crap!” I exclaimed. “I thought a war on Christmas was cool but now a war on religion? Now that’s a war I could wholeheartedly support!” But sadly, Rick’s warnings of the destruction of religion in America weren’t enough to keep him in the race. It seems even Republican voters were smart enough to figure out that eight years of a numbskull from the Lone Star State had been more than enough.

So now with Perry gone, Newt Gingrich has taken the torch and continues to talk of the president’s desire to destroy religion. Yep, Newt “love ‘em and leave ‘em” Gingrich is trying to woo all those God-fearing “family values” folks to his side. And who could be a better spokesman? After all, Newt has valued every one of his families.

Of course politicians like Perry, Newt and the gang are merely attempting to appeal to pro-life, ant-gay organizations like One Million Moms, who when they aren’t busy sticking their noses in other women’s vaginas, are telling us that women who stick their faces in other women’s vaginas are destined to eternity in hell and therefore should be shunned.

An offshoot of the ultra-Christian, ultra-conservative American Family Association, the Moms are up-in-arms with JC Penney’s decision to name openly gay Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson and have demanded her firing. Yes, Ellen DeGeneres is hated by the Moms because she loves another woman. That kind of thing just doesn’t represent the high moral values of the fine women who make up the Moms. So we can also assume these ladies are offended by the fact that DeGeneres raised more than 10 million dollars to help victims of Hurricane Katrina as well as millions to raise breast cancer awareness. They’re right. What in the world was JC Penney thinking?

Not at all intimidated by this mob of uptight bitches, JC Penney told the Moms to stick it up their million asses… and to have a nice day.

But in all fairness, I do kind of understand where the Moms are coming from on this issue. Ellen is a lesbian and anyone exposed to her and that evil Sapphic-indoctrination program of hers, otherwise known as The Ellen Show, could very well turn to a life of whistling in the weeds.

Hell, it even happened to me. Whenever I watch The Ellen Show, I have big time vagina-loving thoughts.

But then I pretty much have those 24/7.

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5 thoughts on “Are Christian Conservatives Nuts?”

    1. He would have to insert another paragraph explaining what drunken, bikini-clad college girls have to do with Republican political candidates. On second thought, that might not be as hard to do as it seems.

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