Introducing The Suckcess Tax

The fiscal cliff negotiations are heating up and everyone knows that raising new revenue must be part of the picture. We can’t just cut our way out of this mess in the way that you could shave off all of Donald Trump’s piss-yellow hair and create an optimal fashion outcome. Unfortunately, the fiscal challenge is not that simple. So the big question facing America is: how do we raise the money we need? We can’t raises taxes on the rich, because they are superhero job creating machines trapped in a land of moochers. These multi-home gods and their servants (read: congressmen) won’t allow their taxes to rise. The poor don’t have any money to spare and the middle class isn’t far behind. You can’t tax those folks. So how do we raise revenue?

Black Friday just gave us the answer. Go online and take a look at some of those photos; a cashier fainting at a Dick’s Sporting Goods store in Alaska, scared workers fighting to hold back a hostile swarm of women at a Kansas Victoria’s Secret. These people already know exactly what we need to avoid the Fiscal Ciff — a Suckcess Tax.

How the Suckcess Tax would work:

Once a year employees at all companies would be asked a simple question: Does this company suck? If a supermajority of workers (ie 2/3) agreed that their company did indeed suck, the company would pay a modest 1% tax on its previous year’s profit. The money raised would be then be applied to reducing the federal deficit.

That’s it. Sweet, simple, and effective. Consider Walmart’s net income in 2012 of $5.4 billion. Their Suckcess Tax would come in at $54 million. Extend that across all companies that suck and the deficit would disappear faster than the Tea Party.

Additional Benefits:

To avoid this tax, companies will raise wages, which will get more money flowing through the economy. Demand will soar. So, the recession will end sooner.

Companies will have a huge incentive to keep workers happy. Happier employees will work harder and get sick less often. Productivity will rise and healthcare spending will fall.

Corporate motivational “group cheers” will end. No company will risk losing $54 million on the retail equivalent of bleeding to combat disease.

By sucking, a company will actually help America solve its most vexing problem.

Conclusion

A solution to the Fiscal Cliff that avoids taxing individuals, ends the recession, reduces healthcare spending, and increases morale and productivity? This is a dream come true.

(Note: Figures used in this analysis are based on Web searches. The author, who is not an economist, is not sure if Net Income refers to profit earned through online sales. Full disclosure: the author took Accounting twice in college and dropped the class both times. Use figures at your own discretion).