Police Uncover Threat On Beiber’s Life, Put it With All of the Others

Police recently uncovered a plan by professional hit men to kill Justin Bieber at an upcoming awards show. They were not very alarmed, as reports of threats on Bieber’s life routinely come in at a rate of about 300 per month. Most of the reports are filed by 8 year old girls.

Excerpts from some of the reports which were leaked:

“Mommy said if she has to listen to Justin Bieber one more time she’s going to find him and kill him! And then destroy every copy of his music on the whole internet!”

“Grandpa saw a Justin video and said that boy is not right! Said something about sacrificing his life to save mankind from destruction.”


“My brother said that Justin’s music is physically hurting him and if he doesn’t stop, he will find him and kill him!”

“Daddy’s gonna kill Justin! He said, ‘Would you just try some Led Zeppelin? How about the Beatles at least? What are you listening to? Wha? WHO IS THIS? THE MAKER OF THESE HORRIBLE SOUNDS MUST DIE!’ ”

Due to the large number of threats received, it’s difficult to act on every one of them. Though police are concerned that if any of the threats did result in harming Mr. Bieber, the killer might likely go free due to a sympathetic jury.

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