A surprising number of people on Twitter want to have sex with me. That number is zero. I thought there’d be at least one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013
When I call you “sunshine,” I mean looking at your ugly face hurts my eyes and too much time in your presence causes cancer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013
I haven’t heard much about bath salts lately. I guess we either got them off the streets or eating people faces isn’t a big deal any more.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013
My wife’s friends hate me, but I’m not worried. Women don’t hold grudges forever, just until they die.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013
I was going to exercise today, but then I remembered there was something else I’d rather do: absolutely anything.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2013
You seem to truly understand women! beware!
I promise to only use this knowledge for evil.