At first I was worried when my daughter played doctor with a little boy, but he didn’t have insurance so she sent him outside to die alone.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013
My wife said, “Buy baby oil & I’ll try it.” Only in marriage can that not be about sex. Excuse me while I lube her leg razor & die inside.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013
If I was a coroner, when old people died I’d change “natural causes” to “sex with a horse” because death certificates should be fun.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013
WebMD said my diagnosis is that I’m a whiney bitch and the only cure is a roundhouse kick to my face. I think I’ll get a second opinion.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013
I’m about to pay thousands of dollars to fix my wife’s eyes, but only because the optometrist didn’t give me the option to have her put down
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2013