Today I learned the volunteers at the animal shelter won’t return your calls if you ask, “How many yorkies do I need to pull a dogsled?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013
My 3 y.o. threw a fit b/c I didn’t let her have my wife’s margarita. We’ll need to lock the liquor cabinet a few years earlier than expected
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013
I was honest on my job application as long as “fluent in Spanish” means the same thing as “memorized the Taco Bell drive-thru menu.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013
Before you tell me to let something go, keep in mind I once got in a fist fight over why potato chips have ruffles.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013
When I was a teenager, I put classical music on the radio to mask the sound of porn videos. Now when I hear Beethoven I get boner.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2013