The only thing I sacrificed when I became a parent was my dignity. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2013
Today my wife yelled at me for how I was breathing. This marriage will work as long as I can hold my breath for the next 60 years.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2013
I browsed Craigslist to laugh at all the stupid stuff people try to sell and long story short I now own a used forklift.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2013
My wife: “Did you write any tweets about how awesome I am?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “Can I see them?”
Me: “Sure.” *swallows phone*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2013
*busts a move*
*gets yelled at*
*picks up the pieces*
*glues move back together*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2013