I made fun of people who were addicted to Twitter until I tried it myself. Now I don’t even remember if I have a family.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2013
I always put down the toilet seat for two reasons: 1) I’m a mature adult 2) I don’t want monsters crawling out of the toilet while I sleep.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2013
I mixed dirty dishes w/ clean ones in the dishwasher so we had to rewash the whole load. I’m hiding in another state till my wife calms down
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2013
I don’t like you, but I respect you. Wait, that’s wrong. I don’t like or respect you, but I don’t know where you live so you’re safe for now
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2013
I’m a dick when I drink, but I’m also a dick when I’m sober. Alcohol just makes me a happier jerk.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2013