Some woman tried to tell me I’m the sexiest, but she mistyped it as “sexist.” I’m not surprised. Chicks can’t do anything right.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2013
*tries*
*fails*
*doesn’t try*
*fails*
*tries to fail*
*fails*
*adds “consistent” to résumé*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2013
The Bible endorses homosexuality. It says love your neighbor but don’t covet his wife. Clearly men are expected to bang the dude next door.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2013
My 3-year-old sang “I’m up all night to get lucky.” I’ll let it slide this time but I’ll ban her from music altogether if I see her twerking
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2013
I overhead my wife say to our 3-year-old, “How did you miss the toilet?! You’re a girl!” On a related note, don’t have children.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2013