Answering The Big Question. Sort Of.


Yesterday at Stop & Shop I was standing at the newspaper rack, reading the headlines. The guy standing next to me muttered something and I looked over. He stared at me with wild eyes for far too long and then said “I know things. I listen to Jessie Ventura”.

I politely edged away, thinking we should all be that lucky. We don’t really know things. We just make educated guesses. The biggie is: what happens after death? Some people claim to know, but they’re just guessing. So after lengthy consideration, here are my best guesses.

Rating: Okay

You die, thinking to yourself that it wasn’t that bad of a life, but kinda stressful. You could really use a break before whatever comes next. You sense motion and feel yourself being sucked through a wonderfully warm tube. It’s a tight squeeze, but pleasant nonetheless. In the distance you see a small, white light. You think “Ah, there’s the light they always talk about, the gateway to the heavenly chill zone. But as you get closer to the source you realize the light is coming from a delivery room. You’re about to be born again. With zero down-time.

Rating: Worse

You float up to heaven and walk through the pearly gates. You’re anxious to meet up with loved ones who’ve gone before you. But all you see are chipper motivational speakers. They keep cornering you and telling you how to leverage your influence. All you want is a beer and a laugh. When you ask the guy in charge where all the comedians are he says “Oh, we send all those folks to Hell.”

Rating: Horrendous

You wake up in some random building, sitting on an uncomfortable metal chair. There’s a table in front of you with its underside covered with wads of gum. You know you’ve been here before. A hairy guy walks by with a whistle attached to a cord around his neck. You feel a chill and realize that you’re back in high school. A principal walks into the room and you ask what’s happening. And he says “Oh, high school never ends, you just think it does.”

I hope I’m a bad guesser.

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6 thoughts on “Answering The Big Question. Sort Of.”

  1. There has to be a break before you’re born again. Surely the union has something to say about this?

  2. The High School rerun is pretty bad, but I can think of a worse immortality. Like waking up in the front seat of a Presidential election debate that never ends. I need a drink just thinking about it.

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