Defending the Goalposts





If you think you’re Blake Griffin slam dunking on a goal… er… make that a goalpost in the NFL, think again. It will cost your team 15 yards in 2014 according to Dean Blandino, VP of NFL officiating.

Dean told us this on the Dan Patrick Show March 25th. The reason? Ex-basketball playing tight ends like Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzales were slam dunking the football and sometimes causing the goal to shift to one side. Most notably this happened in Atlanta on the Falcons field.

Hmmm. Before everyone piles on to Mr. Blandino or Commissioner Goodell, let’s consider the offended party, the goalpost! Hey guys, goalposts have feelings, too.  How would you like it if your job is to stand straight and tall on a football field, then after the crowd gets pumped from an exciting touchdown a receiver celebrates by doing a basketball move.  A slam dunk is an exciting basketball play but when you’re doing it at one end of the goalpost you’re putting a bunch of stress on an already stressed individual. What? You don’t believe us. Well I guess we’re going to have to interview a special guest so you’ll understand. He’s a little media shy and he lives in Owen Field in Norman, Oklahoma. Silliman on Sports readers, here’s Gary Goalpost:

GGP:  Thanks, Stan, just for visiting. It’s gets lonely out here especially in the winter. Don’t stick your tongue on me.

SOS: Okay, Gary, I’ll be careful not to. We’re here because new NFL rules will penalize players for doing the “slam-dunk” move after touchdowns. Fans think it’s just doing more to take the fun out of the game. What do you think?

GGP: Fun-schmun, you didn’t know I knew Yiddish, did you? I say it’s about time. We don’t get no respect. Did I sound like Rodney? We are the most important guys in your game and sometimes… I’ll just go ahead and say it – you treat us like crap. Do we ever let YOU down? We hold our arms 30’ feet in the air, 20’ long, all game long. We’re there for your extra points, your game winning field goals. We need to be treated better. We’d unionize if we could.

SOS: Gary, everything you’re saying is on the record. Don’t say anything you’ll regret. It’s just that some fans felt the goalpost in the Georgia Dome was substandard because it bent when being hit with a slam dunk. They thought it might be lighter material which invited an unnecessary rule change.

GGP: Oh, it was necessary! And this year, in the NFL they are stretching the arms an additional five feet. Those NFL posts will have 25’ arms! Imagine if you had to hold up arms which are taller than you are wide. That’s why our arms and our crossbars are aluminum. So we can bend in the wind and not break. By the way, in the NFL this year they are moving extra point kicks back to the 20 yard line. We’re going to be even more important.
DEFENDING THE GOAL POSTS by Stan<br />                             Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons<br />                             articles
SOS: So stop with the Rodney Dangerfield act, Gary. It sounds like you guys are getting plenty respect.

GGP: Oh, I’ll keep saying it. We cost $ 9000 and still you fans when you get all drunk TEAR us down! After all we’ve done. Oklahoma State University December 3, 2011, poor old Gregory Goalpost gets ripped down after they beat OU. They broke him! But he put 13 of those Aggie Pokes in the hospital. Absolutely no respect! At Colorado University, every time those drunks win, the posts come down. Luckily for Gavin Goalpost in Boulder, they don’t win very often. Up at Kansas last year, they won a game, smashed down the posts and threw it in Potter Lake. I wanted to attend Gilbert’s funeral but couldn’t find a flight. And at Baylor, listen to this, Baptist University and all, they beat Texas A & M in overtime. They not only took down poor Glenn, the CUT HIM UP in little pieces and sold him for souvenirs! No respect, I say!  We cost $ 9000, people. We’re a proud 18’6” wide and you guys abuse us. Sorry, I just had to vent.

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3 thoughts on “Defending the Goalposts”

  1. I think Mr. Goodell should invite you to a one on one meeting and after he sees what you have to say, then and only then, will he make a decision. I can see Roger taking down the goal posts and replacing them with something else like really tall soccer nets

  2. Potter Lake!! They tossed Gilbert Goalpost in Potter Lake! That cannot be good for the frogs and the ducks of Potter Lake.

    Goalposts come in four parts – a curved steel stanchion, usually 6″ Sch 40 or 80 steel pipe but the cross arms and uprights are bolted on Aluminum. They can’t build it in one piece because it’s too wide to truck and if the arms weren’t aluminum, the grounds keepers would need heavy field damaging equipment to install it.

  3. As a Kansas fan, I know what a big deal it is, when KU wins a football game! 🙂
    And I know it seems low-class to tear down a goalpost, but maybe the equipment DOES need to get stronger if it can’t take a dunk. Just remember they tried to make the dunk illegal in basketball, too, but the fans eventually control what they want to see.

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