Don’t Confuse Your Renaldos

Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman


In the World Cup, the U.S. is getting ready to play Portugal, a team with the highest paid and perhaps greatest soccer player in the world – Cristiano Renaldo. Now, just because the match is being played in Brazil, don’t be like a lot of us and confuse that Renaldo with the Brazilian soccer playing Renaldo (now retired) who was also once considered the best in the world, known as “The Phenomanon.” We confuse them all the time. One is 29, the other is 37. One is Cristiano Renaldo, the other is Renaldo Lima. Cristiano, when he plays pro soccer is being paid $ 21 M tax free. Renaldo Lima is retired. Both like to party, which makes us suspicious about Cristiano Renaldo’s injury. But not as suspicious as we would be if it were the other Renaldo… based on this story from 2008:

Tranny Tryst Tries Ronaldo

Soccer star Luis Ronaldo, known as a striker, claimed he did not strike her, when he was hauled into a Rio de Janeiro police station. Easy to prove, says The Phenomenon (El Fenomeno): he did not strike her, referring to a motel party with three prostitutes, because there were no hers.
Turns out all the pros were transvestites, cross dressers, so all the she’s were he’s.

Meanwhile, north of the equator, three women have been linked with Roger Clemens. Hmmm? Three Flings for the Rocket or Three Trannies for El Fenomeno. Which makes for a better movie title… starring Tommy Lee Jones? We don’t know.

We do know Roger Clemens is a headline hog. Here was a soccer player’s chance for some pub, maybe even get into the Caught-with-a-Tranny-Hall-of-Fame and Roger has to wet on his spotlight. A bit smirky of Roger, we say.

Of course we have a vested interest. We want a sports figure in the Caught with a Tranny Hall because we don’t write about actors paying penance by putting on fat suits and calling themselves Norbit or voicing a donkey buddying up to an ogre. We favor the sports guy even if the sports figure is a soccer player.

Of course Ronaldo, a three time FIFA World Player of the Year, isn’t your average futbol player. Your average soccer player isn’t a sucker for guys in high heels. Ronaldo claimed he didn’t know the “ladies” were packing. It’s like the scene out of “Crying Game” where under the skirt there’s a surprise. Only this time, triple. Ronaldo says when the surprises came he short circuited the party, tried to kick them out when one of them turned la bruja. A spiteful bruja who stomps into the street yelling “El Fenomeno didn’t want to pay” and then returning to rip out phone lines so Ronaldo couldn’t call for help. Then Ronaldo says when he offered the three pros $ 600 each, the crazy one, la bruja loco, tried to jack him for $ 50,000 reals ($30,000) to not call the papers.

So are you with us, feeling sorry for Ronaldo? There’s the indignity of the motel video clip making the rounds on Brazilian YouTube taped by one of the transvestites. There’s the indignity of being known as one of the world’s greatest ball kickers and yet when the time came… And then there’s the indignity of having been one of the greatest but having been out of the spotlight for a while and then just when a juicy story thrusts you front and center… that bastard Roger Clemens trots out all his girlfriends… including a 16-yr-old country singer.

That Clemens, what a creep, right? El bastardo! Stomps on the soccer boy’s parade. Ronaldo goes out to celebrate a victory by his favorite Brazilian soccer team, the Flamengo, and gets fooled by trannies. I know what you’re thinking, Pink Flamengos? We didn’t ask. The point is… Ronaldo had the front page and Roger pushed it to the inside, deep inside.

Here’s our theory: Every few days a new Rocket girl comes forth, enough women to make you think that private jet Roger was bedding more women than Wilt Chamberlain. No way he could have that kind of sex drive taking steroids, you have to think. He must be mainlining Viagra or at the least, B-12 shots. But wait, didn’t Roger tell us he was taking B-12 shots and not steroids? Hmmmm? Who’s outing all these paramours? Not Ronaldo. He’s not that savvy.



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