Downcast College Football Fans Still Anxiously Awaiting a Reason To Trash Their Own Campus

Vermont Tech football fans are once again having a tough season. The once-mediocre team is heading down a long and painful decline from adequacy and its fans are getting restless trying to find a good reason to destroy their campus and surrounding town.


Longtime fan Greg Kauffman:

“There are plenty of teams in other states whose teams give them good reason to riot. The state of West Virginia alone currently does not have one piece of furniture older than five years old. Why can’t it happen here? Hell, even baseball fans have woken themselves up long enough to go on destructive rampages! Baseball! I personally have been holding on to this old, smelly couch that my friend’s grandmother actually died on…waiting for just the right moment to set it aflame. But no, the noxious thing sits there, being slept on by unsuspecting drunkards who eventually awake after being overtaken by its fumes. I just know that we’re going to win it all…or win something…or at least come close to beating someone ranked… just as soon as I throw the thing out!”

A 1970’s console TV sat waiting inside the elevator of the tallest dorm on campus for nearly a decade, riding up and down with each passenger, ready to be tossed off the 10th floor when the inevitable victory came. But in August the school finally came to grips with the reality that such a day is unlikely to come, and it was quietly dropped it off at the community electronics recycling center.

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