Germany’s Thomas Muller Survives Near-Fatal Grazing to Score Hat Trick Against Portugal

In World Cup action today, the German National Team’s Thomas Muller survived a horrific near-fatal grazing from Portugal’s Pepe while jostling for the ball. Muller immediately crumpled to the turf as the First Lady threw her body over him and security quickly scrambled to check all nearby buildings or grassy knolls.


CPR was immediately administered in an attempt to bring Muller back from the edge of death. When things looked the most grim, Father Jose Floppola was summoned for Last Rites. Muller reports hearing voices telling him to “go to the light,” but, like, in German. Pepe was so worried about the terrible accident that he returned to give Muller a life-saving head butt which was so forceful that video of the event needed to be slowly examined in order to determine if contact was even made. Despite being given a red card, Pepe’s actions may have, in fact, saved Muller’s life. The best medical science, divine intervention, or just plain amazing luck resulted in an immediate recovery, almost to the point where one would think Muller was never even hurt.

Muller miraculously arose and completed a hat trick as Germany downed Portugal 4-0. Authorities were stumped when later reviewing the grainy video footage of the entire event, as it appeared that he was grazed only slightly. There is obviously much more to this story and we will get to the bottom of it. No one is above suspicion at this point.

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