How We Avoid Another Financial Crisis

It sometimes seems like there’s just so much to worry about. We have to deal with terrorism, crazy armed dudes, and Ebola (which is a great work excuse because NO ONE wants you around — “No, Bob, you just take as much time off as you need.”) Therefore, I’m going to help out by giving you another thing to worry about.

Remember how the big banks became mega-banks after the financial crisis? They’re now like one of those buried World War II land mines someone steps on in Poland while gardening. Yes, these zombies now have bigger capital reserve requirements and undergo “stress tests” to ensure they can withstand another shock. But how can we know we’re really safe?

Fortunately, I’m here to help. I minored in Business in college so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve got a plan to make sure some bank CEO doesn’t blow up the economy by selling investment vehicles underpinned by pools of library fines and parking tickets.

My plan is simple. We require every bank executive to keep one framed photo on his desk. By law it would need to be prominently displayed so it’s always in sight and acting as a perpetual reminder. Hiding it behind a plant or a family portrait would be strictly forbidden. So here’s the required photo:

Talk about a stress test. It’s deterrent value is far greater than any thousand-page rule could offer. This, my friends, is how we avoid the next one.