President Declares National Day of Leftovers

WASHINGTON, D.C. Frustrated by Congressional inaction, President Barack Obama today issued an executive order declaring Thursday a National Day of Leftovers after White House chefs reheated the Presidential Thanksgiving Dinner for the third time, including a dish prepared by his mother-in-law that he pushed around on his plate but did not finish.

“I tried to eat some, but I was just too full.”

“Our enemies abroad deserve to eat this stuff,” said Obama’s prepared text. “We are going to wrap it up and send it to them along with 1,500 additional troops.”

Obama’s daughters also refused to eat the mysterious dish, saying it smelled of onions and tuna. The President will place the remains in an unmarked chafing dish at the Tomb of the Unknown Casserole in Arlington, Virginia.

President Obama placing leftovers at Tomb of the Unknown Casserole

The President typically “pardons” two National Thanksgiving Turkeys but declined to do so this year for fear that he would be accused of being soft on crime by Republicans. “These two turkeys were responsible for identity theft, carjacking and intimidating a witness,” said U.S. Attorney Karl May. “They will be deep-fried and served as Popcorn Chicken at a KFC franchise in Washington.”

The first American leftovers were a by-product of the Thanksgiving celebration held in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in 1621. Uneaten butternut squash and jellied cranberries were given to members of the Wampanoag tribe as they left the feast, touching off a bloody two-year conflict that claimed the lives of nearly a hundred people and depressed retail sales during the first Christmas shopping period.

“You’d better eat some–we brought that stuffing with us from England!”

The children of the Plymouth Colony were especially grateful to Squanto, a Native American and former British slave, who taught them to bury fish to fertilize corn fields. “If you hide the food you don’t like,” he told them, “you don’t have to eat it.”