Stealing Skivvies Can Be Rewarding

You can’t skip off with the skivvies without serving time in the slammer.

At least that’s what I’ve always thought. However, Dallas Cowboy running back, Joseph Randle, taught me otherwise. Not only can you shop lift underwear and a sampler bottle of cologne, but when you’re caught doing so, an underwear company will pay you to endorse their products.

Whoa, no? Yo, man. Even ex-neighbor Lyle couldn’t believe it when I told him you could dash out of a Plano Dillard’s with two black Polo briefs and a tester bottle of Gucci  Guilty Black cologne and you might get an endorsement deal out of it.

“Yeah, Stan, you can do that if you’re a Dallas Cowboy running back,” says Lyle. “If not, and you’re an ordinary black guy, you’re going to be a guilty black guy – a Gucci Guilty Black guy and whatever jail they send you to, you won’t be playing Polo.”

I get it, unequal system. But what I don’t get is why MeUndies would jump in and offer Randle a job to endorse their underwear. He stole Polo’s, not MeUndies. It’s not like he went into Dillard’s and the MeUndies were calling to him: “Steal me. I’m so soft.” He stole Polo’s and as far as I know, I don’t even think Dillard’s carries MeUndies. As far as I know, MeUndies is only available on line.

“You know the Cowboys PR team arranged all this, don’t you Silliman? The Cowboys fined Randle 29,500 and now they’re trying to make chicken salad out of a chicken-you-know-what situation.”

I see all that. MeUndies wants Randle to donate $ 15,000 of their under garments to needy children of Dallas and then they want him to be a spokesman.

“I can’t even imagine why the Cowboys are sticking by him,” says Lyle. “He’s a plain ol’ shoplifter boosting stuff in Plano. And worse than that from a football standpoint, he was caught out in the parking lot by a security guard… an older guy at that. Not even a young, buff, athletic security guard. An old man chases down an NFL football player in the parking lot.”

Hey, don’t knock us old folks, Lyle. Tommy Chong is still dancing on DWTS. Bill Snyder can still coach Kansas State football. And old folks might even like wearing the ultra soft MeUndies undies. A bigger question is whether this is the proper message. Is this a lesson we want our kids to learn?

“I’ll say,” says Lyle. “It’s a terrible lesson to teach children. You can’t outrun an old security guard but you can still keep your job in the NFL.”

How about the lesson you can fess up to your crime, you apologize and then say you’re never going to do it again and you’ve got no excuses.

“No excuses?” asks Lyle. “Joseph Randle doesn’t need to be an underwear spokesman. Let him model No Excuses Jeans. Hell, it worked for Donna Rice. Paula Jones. Marla Maples. ‘I took those briefs, grabbed me some Gucci cologne and I make half a million a year. I got no excuses for it. That’s why I wear No Excuses Jeans. When I want to shoplift, I do it fashionably in my No Excuses skinny jeans.’”

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